Still Seeing Signs

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Little things still happen that make me smile and seem to say….it’s okay…you made the right decision. I turned in my receipts last week for my scrubs, up to $100.00 per year, and I received a check this morning with a sweet note from the doctors wife that said welcome to our office. It was a nice little touch and with me it is always about the little things. When I was leaving she was driving through the parking lot and put the car in park, jumped out of the car and introduced herself, it was just so sweet. Even though it was chaotic today and the stress levels were high, it is still 100% better than where I was.

I didn’t get much done in the cleaning out the clutter today, but I did clean out the fridge. Let’s just say that the feral cats are eating like kings tonight. I hate wasting food, I don’t know why the kids won’t eat the left overs unless I heat them up? Just one more thing for me to strive to improve.

Like going to bed at a reasonable hour so I don’t hit my snooze button so many times…..On that note…I am off to dreamland…….Zia

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Making Some Headway

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I started cleaning out and organizing my closets a few weeks ago, and surprise…didn’t finish it. Today I went through my entire closet AND every dresser drawer. I had two piles, Goodwill and my friend KW. I didn’t make it to Goodwill before 5 but I did drop of two bags to my friend. Her husband insisted that I stay for dinner, which was nice…..but I was on a roll. Hopefully tomorrow I keep this up, I even found a bag of paperwork that needed sorted and most of it just needs shredded. I do have a small sense of accomplishment, I guess that is something.

I am much better today compared to last night. I hate when I have moments of weakness like that, thank goodness that they are few and far between. A few good things have come out of this….do you remember last year and my resolution to face my money, and how I only peeked at it? Well I am on alert now and I will return to the OCD banker I was when I was a teller. I have checked my transactions everyday since Friday. On Friday it was to make sure that my last paycheck was deposited, the rest is obvious. This is also lighting the fire under me to consult with an attorney about filing bankruptcy. I have got to start facing things before it is in my face and I have no choice.

I started my Sunday the best way, with breakfast at PT’s,  food and friends….can’t beat it. I ran to Office max to pick something up and I came across this pack of pens on clearance.

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The sign said $4.00 which I thought was a good deal for 25 fun colors, they rang up $1.96….I went back and grabbed another one. I couldn’t take the last one, I thought that someone else should be surprised at the great deal. I opened one and put one away, I know that I shouldn’t bring more in when I am trying to clean things out, but I know that they will get used.

I must confess that I did go to Barnes and Noble to get another copy of Outlander. I couldn’t find mine and I needed to read the words after the season finale. I did remember correctly,but I had to be sure. I justified it with a 20% coupon. I think that I may have to take a cue from PT and start recording who borrows what. I just let PT borrow The Distant Hours by Kate Morton, I know that she won’t forget, but I should start a list. When I lose a book it’s like losing an old friend, I think that I may be too attached. :) Oh well, there are worse things……Zia

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Delicate Balance

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I hate when I get like this…..95% of the time it is not that hard to stay positive but when something upsets my delicate balance…..I have a meltdown. The kids went to their dads tonight so I didn’t have to keep it together…damn it.

I read a passage in a book today….. Very Valentine by Adriana Trigiani that described me to a T.  Denial provides temporary comfort, cushioned with hope and bound by luck, it’s a neutral, an emotional state that goes with everything.  Years may pass as we wait for the other shoe to drop, and in the meantime? Well, we’re fine. We wait in hope. Denial does no damage until the last minute, when it is too late to salvage a situation.

This passage is basically how I live me life every day and I am usually okay with it.

This all stems from the feeling of violation that comes with this whole tax mess. I know that I am not the only one, the lady at the post office said that there were many more but still, it’s me and my problem, so of course it’s bigger to me.

I need to stop depending on my income tax check to catch up on things, maybe that is the lesson that I am supposed to take away from this? All I know is that now I am going to have to wait a long time to get MY money. Maybe those people who bury their money in the backyard are on to something…

I’m no stranger to having somebody steal from me, the Cockroach did it many times, but it still sucks!

My day was mostly okay despite the tax issue. I went and had my hair colored, so no more grays is always good. Then I went to an Ashtanga Primary Series workshop which I loved even though it shows how badly out of shape that I am from skipping my practice for 2  1/2 months.

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I went to the Giant Eagle wine taste and had a really good time and even brought home a wine from Chile called Carmenere. The older lady just cracks me up with stories of her chasing single men throughout the store to try and bring them over to sample wine. I laughed a lot, who knew that going to the grocery store could be so much fun?

By the time I came home I wasn’t in the mood to cook dinner so I just heated up the roast from Thursday and made french dip sandwiches for dinner. The kids went to their dads and I finished watching Outlander.

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Here is the I’m pathetic part of the day……when I get majorly upset about one thing, it unearths things that I prefer to keep buried. This didn’t happen when I read the book because I was still hopeful then, now….not so much. It was really hard watching the love scenes of Jamie and Claire.It reminds me of how I wasted my youth on bad choices and how it can never happen for me. I have been through too much and 44 is just too old. I know that I am better off on my own and most days I do just fine with that knowledge….only on days when my delicate balance is disturbed that I am a hot sobbing mess…..Zia

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Who Is The Culprit?

Well this girl, queen of procrastination finally filed her taxed tonight. They were of course immediately rejected because somebody else filed a return with my social. Am I surprised? No not at all. Am I pissed off? Hell yes! I had a Target card , I had a Home Depot card, I had insurance through Anthem….how could I be anything else but fucked? Let’s see how much more mandatory information we can put online…….

Now I get to “mail in” my return, I can’t wait to see how the government punishes me for their lack of security. Give me a break….you’d be livid too!

It’s just money though…I only have it this time of year anyway. I need to make a claim on my home owners insurance, so I need it for that….I need to get a bankruptcy lawyer and I need it for that too. Whatever….money….. I’m too irrational to be logical.

I gave up watching more of Outlander to get all upset. I can’t change it and I am wasting my energy getting upset about it. Our society is such a joke.

I also get to be the hypocrite tomorrow and go back to the girl who colors my hair….I never had a chance to find anyone else. It needs cut desperately but I am standing my ground on this one.

I actually had a good day, until………Zia

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I Thought I Was Over You….

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I hope that you are not too tired of my constant Outlander comments….don’t worry I am almost done. :) I read this book and fell in love with Jamie years ago…in my defense everybody in the book did too. Now that I am watching the series, I remember why. I’m going to have to re read this book again, sadly I am not even sure if this is the third or fourth time.jamie

I watched two more episodes tonight, I don’t know how people who watch tv every night ever get anything done. I think that I have three episodes left, I will watch them all this weekend, maybe on Sunday.

Work was a little crazy today, lucky for me that is what I am used to. I met a friend after work for a drink and a flatbread pizza. It was nice to catch up and just hang out. I can’t wait for the sun so we can check out all of the local patios. I am finding that the older that the kids get, the more grown up time I crave.

I can’t believe that tomorrow is Friday already, this week just flew by…..Zia

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Glancing Back….

I am loving getting to know Jamie and Claire again. The casting is phenomenal and so are the costumes. I am now three episodes into the first season…..I just couldn’t stop at one tonight. I can’t wait for the weekend so I can spend some serious time in Scotland. By next week I should be swearing Jesus H Roosevelt Christ all over again.

Today was my early day at work so I took some wedding soup over to my old boss. It was really weird walking through my old work place. It felt like I have been gone for much longer than a week and a half. I didn’t feel nostalgic at all, even when I passed my old desk. I don’t think that I am normal……when I make a decision to move on, I don’t look back. Wait…let me rephrase that,  I may look back at this or that but I don’t question my decision….does that make sense?  It seems a little cold but that is how I am…..Zia

 

 

 

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Live and Let Live

I don’t know why needy people bother me so much but they do, it’s a character flaw that I struggle with. I see it as a sign of weakness as a friend once pointed out to me, and I have a problem with weak people. I am not referring to the physical…..

High Priestess reversed sent me an article about empaths asking me if I thought that any of the qualities sounded like her. I understand that she needs to feel like she is not a hot mess, but who isn’t. How do you say that until you take responsibility for you own actions and make the effort to change things that nothing will change? Hello….definition of insanity “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!” Geez not rocket science. Everybody has the ability to be empathic, some of us are just more sensitive about picking things up, and not everybody needs the constant attention. She immediately wanted to find a class about it….maybe there is something wrong with me, but I deal with my own things and am very un-trusting of people who advertise those types of services.

I feel like I am judging, maybe I am, and that is not my intention. I just don’t understand people and their motivations.

On a much more interesting note….Outlander is on DVD…finally. I don’t know when it came out but I discovered it today.starz-outlander

I was defrosting kielbassa for dinner, I left it in the microwave grabbed the girl and off to Target we went. I can’t believe that I discovered it on a Tuesday. I could have spent all of last weekend with Jamie and Claire in Inverness, Castle Leoch, and Craig Na Dun. I waited twelve years for this book to make it to film, I guess that I can wait a few more days. I was able to get the first episode in but I had watched that one already, I just have to start it over fresh…..I can’t wait to watch the next episode…..Zia

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Where Did That Come From?

123I have been running on some crazy weird motivation tonight….I have no idea where it came from. I came home and made a list and have been going nonstop every since.

I know me and the smartest thing that I can do is roll with it for as long as I can….example….I never strip and wash my bed during the week…..I did today.

I was cleaning up, throwing out and organizing as I went. I even came up with a pretty decent creamer recipe. It is full of fatty flavorful goodness, but free of chemicals….I think.

1  1/2 cups of heavy cream

1  1/2 cups of half and half

3 Tbsp of vanilla bean paste

3 Tbsp of extra virgin honey (I’m sure that regular honey will work, this is what I had)

3 Tbsp of brown sugar

Simmer for a few minutes, let cool, and pour into your container and you have sugary caramel goodness.

Work went well, I remembered a lot from last week…thank goodness. There were some moments of overwhelming stress but they came in little five minute increments….not like my old job where it was relentless for hours at a time. I am so grateful that I lucked out and found this job…….Zia

 

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Always Look Up

Just in case you didn’t get a chance to see the beautiful night sky tonight….here is what you missed.2015-march-22-venus-mars-moon-night-sky-chart

It looked pretty amazing in person, if I hadn’t trained myself to look up, I may have missed it.

Yesterday I was cooking dinner and I was standing in front of the kitchen sink, lost in my own thoughts when I looked up and out the window. I saw a beautiful red tail swoop down out of a tree to get her own dinner. The swiftness and the wing spans never cease to amaze me. I am always looking up and I’m not that short. :)

Today I was with PT in Barnes and Noble….which is a much better experience compared to being in there with the girl. We were over by the magazines when I heard someone say Animal Speak, so of course I followed my ears. The woman asked me if I liked it and I assured her it was like a manual and I still use it all of the time. I am actually the one who found it on the other side of the shelf that they were looking, but I had the advantage of knowing what I was looking for.Animal-Speak

Last week on the first day of my new job it was actually nice outside so I sat outside. It was sunny and maybe 50? I thought that it was a little cold to see a bee, let alone have one land on my purse. It flew away before I could get my phone out to try and take a picture. I meant to look it up that day but I forgot until that lady today. My copy is from 2001 and is well worn and loved.

Bee means fertility and the honey of life. The bee is a reminder to extract the honey of life and to make our lives fertile while the sun shines. Ted Andrews

I popped open the bathroom window looking for the moon tonight which was on the other side of the house, I paused for a second. It was dark but I could still hear birds, maybe it was from the private lake? I thought about how much I missed siting by the water…. just being. While I was thinking this I could hear the water in the creek by the house and I had a horrible thought… The water still coming in, even though it is a little bit through the roof, the constant water rising in the basement and now the water washing away my driveway. If I am subconsciously manifesting this mess because I miss being around water, I will kick my own ass…….Zia

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I Don’t Get It?

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Remember how I decided to give Facebook another try? I think that I liked it better when I was able to say “I don’t participate in social media.” The little message button is giving me too many “what is this about?” moments. One of the boys from work….my old work has been messaging me regularly. I have no idea what it is about, it’s all harmless little chit chat but why? It’s my own fault because I mentioned his old profile picture since Facebook flashes pictures of friends that you may know with mutual friends, blah blah. He told me at the time that it’s been so long since he has been on there that he forgot he even had an account. He’s remembered for the last two weeks. It’s just odd, why is this twenty something trying to converse with me? (insert developing news) Our conversation just took a gardening turn, he wants some tips…..It’s just weird!

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My It Works kit finally came today, let’s see if I can make some extra money. :)

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Today was all about the Spanish wines at the Giant Eagle wine taste. Both ladies are really nice but there is something to be said about the sweet older lady whose face lights up as you round the corner saying “yay Zia is here!” She is so cute and she hugs me goodbye too. That is my sad social 30 minutes of the weekend. It is a fun 30 minutes though. I can’t give a fair review of the wines because I’m still congested so my taste buds are off. I did not leave with a bottle of wine but I did leave with a bottle of Robitussin…….Zia

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