Fighting Demons

Today is turning out to be a struggle 😦  I had a dream/nightmare last night and it woke me up during dead time.  I remember laying there and thinking why does it smell like cigarette smoke in here?  I listened for the dogs, they were happily snoozing, so was it from my dream?  I had been dreaming about cockroach and I hate that I loved him.  Somebody recently told me that until I learn to forgive myself, I’m not going to be able to move forward.  How do you forgive yourself for the ultimate stupidity?  I was so stupid in love, I let him manipulate me, I didn’t report it when he stole from me or forged checks.  When I finally started coming to my senses it was too late, he was embedded too deep in my life.  So Joan Jett had it right when she sang “I hate myself for lovin’ you!”

I have that stupid knot in my stomach that won’t go away, I haven’t been able to eat yet today and everytime a co worker comes in from having a smoke I feel like throwing up.  I can’t get past the cigarette smell in my bedroom.  I’m not smoking, was it a dream inside a dream?  It was a nice night, my window was cracked, was he outside my window?  It’s not too different than looking up and seeing him in my rear view mirror.  He’s there can’t prove it so get over it, there’s nothing else I can do. A civil protection order is just a piece of paper right?  We have had peeping toms on the street behind me before, maybe there is a new one?  My closest neighbors are trees, so either I imagined it or somebody was there.  My gut says somebody was there.  I’m not ignoring my gut, but there is nothing I can do about it either. Yet I’m supposed to forgive myself for being stupid, when the object of my stupidity is still stalking me…………….

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About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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