I am an expert at avoiding the issue and there is always a situation present to hone this skill. Currently it my job situation, I know that it isn’t going to get better. Do you see me out there actively looking for a new one? Nope not this girl, she’s gonna wait until it’s really bad. Stupid…. right?
That’s not really where I am going with this anyway. I have avoided writing about how I feel, except when I am pissed off and then I have diarrhea of the mouth. Today, I am just having one of those days.
I have reoccurring house dreams, usually about the attic. I have learned that I am the house and the attic is my higher self. I could go on and blah, blah, bore you, but I won’t. This morning I woke up from a different place, I think it was the basement. That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something bad happens, that was where my dream was. In that place was a bomb type shelter, when it gets bad this is where I am supposed to go. Is this where I have been the last couple of years? I don’t think I am ready to come out of hiding, so how do I make myself go back? This is very unsettling, I don’t like it at all.
This dream started an internal struggle that has been going on all day. Those stupid feelings that say “wouldn’t it be nice to have somebody to lean on?” Nice but not necessary, do you see how I fight with myself? My inner whatever can come out of hiding all it wants but let me tell you I can over think any situation to death. Stonewalling myself is the newest way I get to waste my energy.
I honestly can’t do it though, I can’t put myself back out there, I just can’t. How did Simon & Garfunkel sing it..”if I never looked I never would have cried” Some days it’s harder to be the rock than others. Why would I purposely subject myself to that kind of pain again? This is how I keep things in perspective.
See how I avoided ‘really’ talking about my feelings…..I just skirted the issue. Yep I am an expert.