Just the other day I mentioned that things in me were stirred up and how I didn’t like it…..it hasn’t gone away yet. It took me all day before I even noticed I was holding my breath. Anxiety on this level is new for me and I don’t even know were it is coming from.
Sometimes the Universe likes to kick you while your down, or double wammy you with a lesson or the equivalent thereof. I think maybe my Dillard’s incident has heightened my sense of “messed up”. I went to a wedding a couple of years ago and ran into my former step father. Talk about being shocked, he was such an asshole. I was drinking and not driving so I get extra points for not getting in his face and causing a scene. His new wife must have gotten a good look though because she knew who I was.
A month or so ago I was in Dillard’s bargain shopping and this loudly dressed poofy fake blonde was obnoxiously helpful. She gave me her card and I thought..could this be? So yesterday I stopped in because PT was telling me about all of her deals at breakfast so I thought I would check it out. I must have tried on 30 different shirts and only left with four, and I did feel kind of bad that she had to put it all back. I said I was having a hard time with the way things fit since my weight gain and she throws out there how her husband —-asshole—quit smoking in February. The whole time she was saying it she was studying my face. I played dumb, what am I supposed to do, cause a scene? I know what she goes home to, I feel sorry for her.
It took me a lot of years to figure out that he is the main root of my trust issues with men. He was great when my mom was dating him, we had fun and thought it was a good thing when they got married. He pulled a Jekyll Hyde on us and I think the very first night after they came back from their honeymoon we ended up at our old house. I was right there with my mother so I remember everything he put her through.
I only had to deal with it for five and a half years, but the older I got the braver I was. My favorite was when he used to say “you kids today blah, blah” One day I yelled back in a way that only I could “Could you please stop stereotyping me with every other person who lives in this country that happens to be my age!” His response “what’s that stereotype, that’s not a word!” Here is where I got a little ballsy he had this big ass blue Webster’s Dictionary that I had to use both hands to pick up and slam on the table and fly through those pages until I found the word. Do you know that asshole still said I wasn’t allowed to use that word in his house.If you took a little Archie Bunker………..and added a little Don Knotts…you would have my former step father!
He worked third shift and one day towards the end on my senior year, we came home from school, mom came home from work and he left to go to work. The four of us moved all of our stuff out of that house and into a house about a 1/2 hour away in one night. I would have loved to have gotten a glimpse of his face when he came home from work. My mom was so clever.
Not to change the subject but I just heard that noise again. You may just possibly be reading the rantings of an actual lunatic. I first heard it last night and I thought ok bats are back, but I heard once “in” the office at work and once at lunch time outside. I’m losing it and I’m having anxiety for no reason..what is going on????
I don’t like not being able to explain things, so if I don’t die of an anxiety attack or end up staying in a freshly padded room, I will be back tomorrow 🙂