Part of the reason I started this blog anonymously was so I could say whatever I wanted. I haven’t done a whole lot of that before today. Yes I am arguing with my dead mother at the moment and funny how my computer isn’t freezing now. I get it she doesn’t want me to say it and I have to…he’s never going to know anyway. (I live in her house and she occasionally makes her presence known)
I have to get my feelings out if I am ever to have a chance at this life. I tend to hold on to things forever, I rarely forgive and I never forget.
If I had to describe my father in one word it would be clueless. Corporal punishment was big in our house but we weren’t abused, molested, we didn’t go hungry, etc. On paper he is a good dad, if it was true I wouldn’t have to force myself to call him on the obligatory days like today.
When my parents were getting a divorce he read a book that said you should tell your kids all the time that you love them. To this day when i call he says I love you before he says anything else……because a book told him to, not because it was a genuine statement. Does he mean it? Maybe I’m sure he does in his own way.
I admit that I struggle to hold a conversation and I always make sure I have a magazine or computer to look at so I don’t accidentally sigh or something. The first person I ever deleted off of my facebook was my father…wait now don’t judge. We were having a dreaded conversation and every time I said one of the kids did this or that he responded with “I know I saw it on facebook.” Not anymore buddy was my response….delete friend! All facebook does is give him a way to know what is going on with everybody without actually having to participate in this family. I don’t miss facebook at all.
You really can’t blame my mom for divorcing him he was never home…work…school…sleep. When he was home we were free child labor. What kind of person decides to strip wallpaper in Ohio in August in an old house without air conditioning using a rented steamer? My father that’s who. To this day I hold a personal grudge to wallpaper, it’s definitely evil, I was maybe 10 or 11 when that happened.
We had to go to church on vacation, how crazy is that? I could never escape the Catholic church, wasn’t it bad enough that I had to go to mass everyday before school and on Sundays..geez.
I think it was his second or third girlfriend that finally got him to stop walking around with his business all hangin’ out. Why does somebody have to tell you that? Put some damn clothes on!
This isn’t attack my father day but I need to address it and stop pretending. When I was meeting P.K. for our therapy (for lack of a better word) he pointed out that I had a problem with weak people. Which is one of the reasons I am so hard on myself if I am having a moment of weakness. I now know the difference between asking for needed help and showing weakness and that lesson took forever!
I guess I don’t think very much of my father and I consider him weak. When I am with his sister or brother I feel like I am with family when I am with my father I feel like I am with a stranger. He was giving me crap about not having my colon checked…our insurance changed and now it’s not covered. My mom was 45 when she was diagnosed and I am 42. I wanted to say the same thing that I wanted to say at age 12…..it’s a little late now to decide to be a parent, I don’t need you now!
Does this make me an uber bitch for posting this on Father’s Day? I’m irritated and tired of holding in my feelings so I don’t hurt other people. When do my feelings get to count?…..Zia