The Ugly Side of Me

Something inside of me clicked yesterday and I realized that I really can’t move forward until I speak the unspoken. I am not going to go into details and if you are one of the few who actually know me outside of blog world I will not talk about it, so pretend you didn’t read it.

On my 36th birthday I was sexually assaulted by somebody I knew. There I said it……I still don’t feel any better. My birthday is in November and I didn’t even speak it out loud until January 1st when I was with P.T. and even then she had to pull it out of me. She asked me if I wanted to call the police and press charges and I said no. There is no way I could ever tell a stranger what happened , it was hard enough to tell her.

On a subconscious level I know that this night had a part in letting the Cockroach into my life. I knew if I was with him nobody would ever mess with me again. The downside to that well if you have been paying attention …….

I was a much smarter girl at 16 than I was at 36 and I know alcohol played a big part, that was the end of my drunk summer. Only one good thing came out of that summer and I just know she is currently rolling her eyes at me, but it was P.T., the rest of it I would give back if I could.

Since I am confessing things about that summer there was the married guy that I accidentally fell on…..twice. Ask me in person outside of breakfast club…..it never happened.

I never really did the bars and the getting trashed when I was in my twenties like everybody else. I had one summer in my thirties and most of it was a lot of fun. Why is it that the bad things always take away from the good memories.

I know you can’t control who you fall in love with but why did I have to be so stupid about it. I know I have mentioned that I am  a former Catholic and have been for a long time. But let’s be honest that damn church is good with guilt and certain things never leave you.There is the part where I was really stupid and found myself pregnant with the Cockroach’s baby. I then lied to my brother and said I made a little math error in my checkbook and needed to borrow some money and P.T. helped me too. A grown woman at age 36 should not be going to the abortion clinic.  That day was one of the hardest in my life. I think that it’s appropriate that it hurts as much physically as it does mentally. Here is a really ugly part of me……now at this time in the present….I am grateful every single day that I did that and am not tied to that man by a child. If I believed in hell this is one of those things that might land me there.

I refuse to let these things have a hold on my life now, I said it. Now I’m done, it’s over, it’s in the past,I am moving on. I am human…I’ve made HUGE mistakes but I can’t let this influence me any longer.

I was back at work on Monday and by Tuesday my eye was twitching……one problem at a time I know. Still working on the second job..no bites as of yet. The long term plan is to pay some things off, save up some money, get lucky and sell this property to some shale company and move the hell out of this town. There are other rural communities around here and if I find a secluded enough location it won’t even matter. My daughter starts high school in the fall….so four years is my personal deadline. Sometimes I wish that when my kids are at school and I am at work that a big ass tree would fall and destroy this house so I would never have to come back….how is that for ugly?

To be honest the locals scare the hell out me. The drugs are horrible, and I know that it is everywhere but it just seems worse here. I am not saying that they are all bad but there are enough of them that I don’t want to be here.

Let’s not forget that every time I pass a police car I feel about a centimeter and a half tall. They know exactly how stupid I was and I feel so embarrassed whenever I see them. Who wants to feel like that everyday? See that’s why I have to move, I just have to.

I get by everyday and most days the Pollyanna aspect is easy. I do tend to think positively and believe that things are going to get better. I wish I knew how to let this ugly stuff go…but it just stays here holding on and not letting me move forward.

If I am ever crazy enough to start dating again….the hell I would reveal any of this. This is a overwhelming perimenopausal moment and my inner voice has been after me for a while to get this out, the combination was too much and here we are.

Wait! I’m remembering something….. a silly poem from jr high or high school….Not all of it …just this part

maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m sane, but my heart is breaking just the same…..Zia

 

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About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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13 Responses to The Ugly Side of Me

  1. I’m so sorry to read this. I hope by you writing this you find some peace. My thoughts are with you. I admire your courage to write about this.

    • dragonflyzia says:

      Thank you, my hope is to find some peace and get past this. It only took me about a year of blogging to actually get it out, but it’s a step. Thank you for your thoughtful words.

  2. I echo frontragescribbles comment, as well as hope and pray for a peaceful moment after opening up about your past. I think you embodied this CS Lewis quote “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

    • dragonflyzia says:

      I have never heard that quote before, thank you for sharing it. I really hope that now I can move forward, I just couldn’t say the words before today. Thank you for your warm wishes.

  3. Jean says:

    You’re never to old to make mistakes and never too old to get past them. I like the monkey bars visual from Organizational Specialist. I’m glad you have a safe place to voice this. I wish you peace.

  4. Shel says:

    Hugs! I hope that you can find peace. You are brave to share your life and maybe you will have helped someone else by reading your words.

  5. Ivie says:

    You need a big hug! Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes, even ones they can’t forget, but I do hope that after letting it out, you feel at least, a little better.

  6. What a brave person you are! Sharing here is a huge step in having someone witness your pain, your assault…that is a very important step; I love the visual of CS Lewis…it looks like you are doing a lot of “house cleaning” in your life. Bless you for being so forthcoming…it does not sound like an “ugly self” to me but a “genuine, true, human self”. Whispering Insights.

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