Don’t panic, I won’t really send this to him but I think I need to at least say it. I hold on to things too long and it’s not healthy so I need to find a way to let it go. My neck is still not right, I am still not sleeping and now that my muscles are being worked on…..I can feel when they start to clench up. I need to start letting all of this crap go.
When my littlest brother was in town last, we all went to dinner. It was one of the first Fridays in Lent and somebody suggested the fish. My response “I don’t eat any seafood” my sister in law said “oh just like your dad”…..”I am nothing like my dad!” My brother “can we say daddy issues?” First and foremost I don’t believe that I have daddy issues, I don’t hate my father….I just tolerate him when necessary. It may sound cold but if I never saw him again, I don’t think I would mind.
I am pretty sure that we are both at an age where I can be honest. You can stop pretending to reach out because Tommy (my brother) or your sister are pushing you to do so. I will continue to call you on your birthday and Father’s day, I will do the obligatory family dinners when you are in town. So here is your free pass, it’s okay that you are emotionally inapt. Stop fake trying please.
This is what I remember from my childhood…..you were never there, and when you were, we were treated like minions. Do this and that and let’s not forget that even on vacation we must be sheep and go to mass. Who strips wallpaper in the middle of the summer……when it is a million degrees outside….no air conditioning….and since it was the 70’s the process was done by heating the paper with a really big machine? My idiot father that’s who and we had all better be in there helping.
When you weren’t at work…you were at school, or helping your friends, and even to this day never your family. You proved that with your own mother. You were honestly surprised when your marriage fell apart. To this day I know every word to Simon and Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits because that is what Mom played over and over again. She was alone, she was mother and father to us always. Yet whenever I referred to you as the sperm donor, which was often over the years….she still stuck up for you, it really made her mad. I can’t help how I feel or what you are.
When you divorced I was twelve….and you decided you wanted to be a father? It doesn’t work that way, you have proven yourself not worth my time. It’s a character flaw I know, but this is who I am. Then you started reading all of those parenting books and in one of them they said you should always tell your kids that you love them, nobody ever told you you were supposed to mean it. To this day when I pick up the phone eyes mid roll I cringe because I know the very first thing that you are going to say is “I love you”. It’s worse I think when you know it’s all hogwash.
The only good thing about you passing off all of your responsibilities is the amazing relationship that I had with your father. You definitely did not pick up anything from that wonderfully loving man who was just short of walking on water. I was just reminded of him today when the girl tried to get me to rev my engine at a red light. I didn’t but he did all of the time, whenever some young punk would pull up next to us, he would fly when that light turned green. I still gives me a giant grin.
Pause and insert….So I don’t want to hear all of that nonsense that I wouldn’t know a good man if I saw one….I know what one looks like, I also know that they are an endangered species. (This is just a side note…it wouldn’t be in my imaginary letter)
I do give you some points for trying to be helpful after mom died, I know that you didn’t like to give the help but you did. Except that one time that you wouldn’t help with the heating oil because you just couldn’t swing it that month….and then went to Europe for two weeks the next month. That one did sting, I would be lying if I said otherwise. That was also the end of any emotional attachment (which was already almost nonexistent) that I may have had to you. Ebenezer should have been your name, life isn’t Monopoly, and you can’t take it with you……just sayin’.
I could name more incidents that have happened over the years but that would just be mean. I am not trying to be mean I am just being honest. Stop trying to lamely reach out to me, and stop asking Tommy what is going on with my life. It is starting to have an impact on a relationship that I actually do care about……Zia