Ever Feel Like a Pinball?


My emotions bounced all over the place today! Work was…well work, and it was the normal Tuesday hell. JD had missed the deadline to register for the test, remember how I said I wasn’t worried…….I am freaking out now. That’s what I do you know, panic at the last minute.

You’ll do fine…..You’re a smart girl……You know more than I do…You’ll ace it. I don’t believe any of it at the moment. I am not confident in my information retention at all!!! Breathe….I must breathe. I have til the 17th….just breathe.

Other than my test woes it was a nice day for Ohio anyway. The sun was shining the birds were chirping, I even found a symbol of new beginnings…WP_20140506_001

Then I got slammed back into reality….all with one look.

I was driving home the new normal way (potholes) and I was pulling out from a stop sign when it happened. A shake you to the core Cockroach sighting. I was turning right and as my head was turning from left to right and I was pulling out I saw him, and although he couldn’t see my eyes because of the sunglasses he looked right at them. There was no chance he didn’t know it was me. I know where he works again, talk about needing to break a cycle, that man always hires him back. He only hires criminals though……think about that next time you hire a landscaper. When does the physical reaction go away? I felt like the breath was knocked out of me and then I felt sick to my stomach, and then there was the anxiety that he was going to text and I would have to fill out a police report. Then my favorite…the anger, at me for being stupid and him for being him and there is nothing I can do about it. I despise feeling helpless!!! That’s a lot of emotion to feel in the last seven minutes of my commute home.

I have been dreaming weird again, there aren’t physical marks or anything like before (scary right?)….but something isn’t right and I don’t know how to explain it.  I am not afraid to go to sleep so it’s not scary it’s just off. I think maybe my subconscious has a life of it’s own and it is having a party all night every night because I am waking up exhausted. This morning it was an intense conversation that I immediately tried to grasp as the alarm went off and it escaped me. Then I just felt like I was missing something the rest of the day.

I just feel like something has to give, I just don’t know what….Zia

Ps I  have remained diligent in my tracking of every penny that I have spent. I also have checked my bank account every day, which is a vast improvement.


About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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2 Responses to Ever Feel Like a Pinball?

  1. Best of luck with the test.

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