The lady who was the volunteer tonight was very nice, the theme was “On the path to Growing” She was a former college professor and that is how she laid out all of the information. To me this is a spiritual experience and hard questions should have been placed as a starting point for our thought process. She was nice and made the effort, but it was lacking.
I met a few wonderful ladies there, there was one lady that stood out. She told me a beautiful story about her gay daughter and why she was there tonight. (it’s not my story to tell) She was the first to take the walk….she had great energy so I followed her.
I was the second one in and the last one out…..I have a lot to think about. These are some of the places that my mind went.
When you are little if you go to church or Catholic school you end up singing the song “this little light of mine”……yet that’s one of the first things that school tries to squish out of you. Then when you get older you struggle with finding your way back to your authentic self..
I think that if you have been reading my blog for a while that you mostly know me, well the sugar coated side anyway. It’s my own fault, I am the worst at keeping a secret of mine (others I can keep,just not my own)and if I find the perfect present I almost always give it early because I just can’t wait! That’s just who I am, I like to share things. So I told a few people about my blog and had a cousin that found out by accident……so I am not all of the way anonymous…..therefore I hold back.
I have spent almost all of my life holding back…..what if it hurts their feelings…..oh I can’t say that….let me put myself in their shoes for a minute…… Somebody told me once “get back in your own shoes and worry about you, stop feeling sorry for him, he doesn’t deserve it!” That last one did stick with me and I am getting better about it. I can understand why someone behaves a certain way, but that doesn’t excuse it.
I pray differently….I also pray at least 10 times a day. I pray with sage sometimes, and sometimes I pray with candles…..sometimes I just pray with my breath. So what if I like to make my own soaps and sprays and bath salts, etc. and can my own food and I can’t help it that the home remedy rolls off of my tongue. If you want to call me a witch…it’s just a word and I don’t find it insulting….I just don’t like to be labeled. It is also not my fault if a random person who tried my mid day shine buster later had a dream that she woke up with boils on her face….although I do get a kick out of people fearing me just a little. Life is short and it amuses me! Since it was just a dream and it came from her subconscious not from me, I can have a little chuckle at her expense.
I am 43 yrs old….I need to stop messing around and be where I am supposed to be. I hate having my soul sucked through the phone for 40hrs a week……but I am responsible for two other people….It’s not like I can say f**k it and file bankruptcy and just move somewhere far away.
There is a part of me that feels the strong family ties, although when my mother died it has weakened some. The other part of me has always thought how nice it would be to move where not a soul knows me and to start over…..my kids on the other hand…not so much. I think that is one of the reasons I love to watch Under the Tuscan Sun so much….what a leap of faith that was.
So let me try and regroup here….I send off a witchy vibe, I see it and whatever…label me if you must…..I hold back most of the time and I need to stop that…..I need to figure out what the hell I am doing with this life instead of coasting through it.
I need to stop letting people at work walk all over me and talk to me like I am an idiot. These same people watch every move I make and try and copy me. I can’t help that I use big words when I speak….it’s not on purpose it’s just my vocabulary. Yet another person is trying to “single white female” me in her own way….I don’t have the heart to tell her that she is using the wrong words. So when we ship the job to destination anywhere but where it is supposed to be, it is not “incognito” that means in disguise you nit wit!!! See I really am mean!
Yet I sit there not saying anything, just trying to get through the day the best that I can. I have never worked in such a toxic environment. I need to stop holding back and let the cards fall where they may….Goddess help me!
I did feel better after the walk, I don’t know if I feel more of a sense of direction afterwards….but I do know that I want to lighten my load as much as possible and I need to stop sugar coating me.
On the way home a pheasant almost ran out in front of my car…..how often does that happen? It was my first! So I looked it up, pheasant means family fertility and sexuality. The last line says pheasants are good teachers in how to set romantic moods through the warmth of colors….how does that apply? The only person I have sex with is myself….so why the heck is this bird playing chicken with me?……Zia