The Lies I Tell Myself

WP_20140715_002Let me preface this by letting you know that I have been on dream overload lately and on top of that I have been having an awful lot of overwhelming feelings of deja vu. What does this have to do with the price of rice in China? I have no idea but it’s important somehow…..like I am missing a clue. Me missing something? I am sure that you are not surprised.

I went on another guided labyrinth tour tonight, and this girl was much, much better than the last. The theme tonight was acceptance.

I went into the labyrinth with a longing….for a lack of a better term. PT would just say “it’s called horny” but that’s not it…I have plenty of AA batteries. Sometimes I miss having adult conversations on a daily basis….my poor kids, especially the girl….sometimes I think that it is a good thing and other times I feel like she is missing out on teenager things. I was the same way until half way though my junior year, maybe she is just late to the party like I was.

I ended up being a little angry by the time that I had finished my walk and I am pretty sure that it isn’t how it is supposed to work. I “accept” that in this life I am to be surrounded by strong women and weak men. I lie to myself everyday that it doesn’t bother me.

I had the best grandfather that ever was and I have a wonderful uncle. I have supportive male cousins, one brother who is always the mediator, and the one who is clueless and still with his cheating wife and they don’t even live in the same state. I accept that my father is also clueless, and that I have a major grudge holding character flaw. I could care less about my father for as long as I can remember and I can’t even tell you why. It used to piss my mother off when I would refer to him as the sperm donor…..but that really is what he was. For as long as I can remember there was never a relationship there and it probably should bother me….and it doesn’t. Maybe I am a cold hard bitch.

I have an ex husband who cared more about things than people and an ex boyfriend (cockroach) who only cared about himself and his crack….I loved them both….what does that say about my judgement?

Some days I am tired of being strong, but it’s better than giving my power away. I pray everyday that I am not stupid like that again.

So…..am I letting fear rule me or accepting my fate? Am I right……are all of the real men extinct….okay men I will give you 10% of the population that are still real men, the rest…not so much.

I am saying right now….it bothers me…..tomorrow I may deny that statement….ZiaWP_20140715_001

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About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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7 Responses to The Lies I Tell Myself

  1. AmyRose says:

    I too get weary of being a strong woman and being around “weak” men. Or is it just the man syndrome? I don’t know. I am having a passionate LOVE affair with my camera, and that is all about I am willing to do. I have had a tough streak of “luck” with men, so I stay away. Yes, I really get weary of being the one with the spine. And the morals. And living and walking with Love and Peace in a world that understands neither. I really enjoyed your post. Made me think. xx Amy

    • dragonflyzia says:

      Why thank you Miss Amy! 🙂 It actually makes me feel a little better that you can relate. I am equally as hard on myself as I am to others. Somebody told me once that my expectations were too high with myself and others…..I have often wondered about that. I can’t change who I am and honestly, I really don’t want to.
      Please continue your love affair with your camera….magic happens when you use it. I have a small holiday list that contains more than one of your images!

      • AmyRose says:

        SMILE Cool!!!! I too am too hard on me, YET I am learning to be more gentle with me. And I really do like it. And the reason for the smile, how I am on your holiday list. That makes my day!!! I am planning on going to a magic garden today! YAY! I have to work around winds, but I just don’t want to wait anymore darn it! Been waiting all week!!! I will continue my LOVE affair with my camera!!! (((HUGS))) Amy

        • dragonflyzia says:

          A magic garden sounds like fun, I can’t wait to see the pictures! Yes I do have at least two people right now who would love one of your photos….they just don’t know it yet. I will email when it gets a little closer to the holiday season. 🙂

          • LadyPinkRose says:

            I don’t know what to say. Thank you seems so blase. Please just email me weeks ahead of when you want them, to give me time enough to get them to you and all transactions completed. I am not quite set up for this, but everything is in place for it. Yes, I do have the professional Epson printer and paper. I just have to figure out which would be the best method of payment to accept. Leave it to me, I will get it all together. I am glad you mentioned something now. This way it gives me time to figure things out. Bless you!!! Love, Amy

            • dragonflyzia says:

              I will email you in plenty of time, late October or early November. You don’t have to thank me, you take beautiful pictures and I want to share them. Maybe others will follow my lead and you will be busy,busy,busy! 🙂

            • LadyPinkRose says:

              From your lips to God’s ears. One of my dreams is for this world to have beautiful flowers of mine hanging on walls everywhere! Bless you from the bottom of my Heart!!! Love, Amy

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