Let me preface this by letting you know that I have been on dream overload lately and on top of that I have been having an awful lot of overwhelming feelings of deja vu. What does this have to do with the price of rice in China? I have no idea but it’s important somehow…..like I am missing a clue. Me missing something? I am sure that you are not surprised.
I went on another guided labyrinth tour tonight, and this girl was much, much better than the last. The theme tonight was acceptance.
I went into the labyrinth with a longing….for a lack of a better term. PT would just say “it’s called horny” but that’s not it…I have plenty of AA batteries. Sometimes I miss having adult conversations on a daily basis….my poor kids, especially the girl….sometimes I think that it is a good thing and other times I feel like she is missing out on teenager things. I was the same way until half way though my junior year, maybe she is just late to the party like I was.
I ended up being a little angry by the time that I had finished my walk and I am pretty sure that it isn’t how it is supposed to work. I “accept” that in this life I am to be surrounded by strong women and weak men. I lie to myself everyday that it doesn’t bother me.
I had the best grandfather that ever was and I have a wonderful uncle. I have supportive male cousins, one brother who is always the mediator, and the one who is clueless and still with his cheating wife and they don’t even live in the same state. I accept that my father is also clueless, and that I have a major grudge holding character flaw. I could care less about my father for as long as I can remember and I can’t even tell you why. It used to piss my mother off when I would refer to him as the sperm donor…..but that really is what he was. For as long as I can remember there was never a relationship there and it probably should bother me….and it doesn’t. Maybe I am a cold hard bitch.
I have an ex husband who cared more about things than people and an ex boyfriend (cockroach) who only cared about himself and his crack….I loved them both….what does that say about my judgement?
Some days I am tired of being strong, but it’s better than giving my power away. I pray everyday that I am not stupid like that again.
So…..am I letting fear rule me or accepting my fate? Am I right……are all of the real men extinct….okay men I will give you 10% of the population that are still real men, the rest…not so much.