Sometimes I think that if I spend any more time self reflecting…..I may become the mirror. Can you spend too much time reflecting? I tend to relive a moment over and over thinking why did I say or do that? When it comes to why did I say that….I have no excuse, things just come out. Some days my filter works and most days it doesn’t.
It was a combination of things that led to this line of self questioning, the first being a conversation with CM who I have decided will be known from now on as Blondie because the initial thing is getting on my nerves. Somehow Blondie and I ended up on the subject of Olive Cabbage and her on again/off again relationship. We both agreed if we had a vacation scheduled and some man canceled we would have still went, but not everybody is okay with being alone. Now that the vacation is over he wants back into her life and more than likely she will take him back because she doesn’t want to be alone.
Is there something wrong with me because I am perfectly happy being alone? Maybe wrong isn’t the right word? I don’t feel like I am missing anything, well occasionally I get that itch but that passes. Am I being selfish or a coward? I don’t feel like making the time to have someone in my life, is that bad? I will admit that there is part of me that is afraid of letting someone in, but it is a very small part of me.
I am trying to read the book club book True Grit and this book is an example of how I don’t want to write. Poor SB (still working on a name for her) asked me at yoga last night if I finished it and when I said no….”Oh you hate it, don’t you” “No, I started it….I just haven’t finished it. “You read crazy super fast, if you liked it you would have finished it in one sitting.” “Well I have been sick….” I like the story, so far….I fell asleep again.
When I was waking up from my book nap I could hear my neighbors yelling again. I know it’s an extra crazy moon this month but these people are always yelling and my doors and windows are closed….they were really loud. Why? This triggered this same line of thought again. He told me the other day that the he called the police two weeks ago and had her removed, and then hours later felt bad because she had nowhere to go and called her back. It is because of people like this that make it impossible to get help from the police in a domestic situation…..unless there are signs of physical abuse. I have a real problem with that! He would rather live being called a fat fuck every three days or so, than to be alone. Geez get a hobby….join a club but why would you live this way on purpose?
Don’t get me wrong….I put up with a lot from the Cockroach before I had him removed. He wasn’t like that in the beginning and if he was I was blinded by love or lust or whatever you want to call it. I didn’t bother with men for 4 1/2 years after my divorce and I made some pretty bad choices after that. I am in over 2 1/2 years this time and I really have no interest in men at all. I have reflected on this for a very long time and I don’t know why I am the way I am, but I am in no hurry to let any man into my life.
The kids are still with their dad so the beagle is extra clingy. After my shower I was hanging up a shirt that I rejected after the mirror check this morning and I could see her shadow outside of my door. She knows that she isn’t really supposed to be in there but I called her name and she came in tail wagging and stopped and looked at nothing above my pillows on the bed…..cocked her head to the side and everything. I hate when a dog does that…..B used to do that sometimes too. I have to sleep in there tonight….without the kids…..and a crazy full moon. Wish me luck……Zia