Death seems to be the theme of this weekend and sometimes that is what you need to keep things in perspective. Do I kick myself for stupid choices that I have made in the past? Yes I do and often….. and I have to learn to stop it.
Things would have been very different if I would have stayed in college and on the path of an English major with a minor in journalism and children’s literature….who is to say that they would have been better? I wouldn’t be the same person writing here tonight.
In the months after I left my ex husband I did register to go back to school and it would have been free of cost to me, what stopped me? Where would my kids go? I went out of my way and sacrificed a lot because I chose to not put them in daycare. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with daycare but to me personally I didn’t trust anyone enough. I never left my kids with anyone who wasn’t family and that was very important to me.
They are old enough now to mostly fend for themselves so why am I still dancing around the crossroads without choosing a path? Why is it so easy for me to tell others what to do to fix things and I am clueless when it comes to myself? I know, I know…I am my own worst enemy.
I faced a fear today and went to see an old friend. What could be so scary about her? Well S. Belle had a rough go of it this life, she had an asshole of legendary proportions for a husband and three ungrateful girls. How somebody as kind as she is ended up there, I will never know. She escaped her marriage and married a sweet, gentle doctor on 11/11/11. I was there and danced at their wedding, they were so happy. Last year he was hit by some crazy aggressive cancer that took him within 6 months, I am not sure she will recover from that.
Everybody has the power to empathize and to feel the emotions of those around them, some are more sensitive than others. I knew it would be rough today and I didn’t cry or get sick, but I keep getting overwhelming feelings of sadness that are still hitting me hours later.
My memories of S. Belle are of this kind, fun loving bundle of smiling blonde curls. Today I was greeted by somebody who has aged 15yrs in the last 3. Her hair was fried and not done, she was wearing no make up and seemed to be going through the motions. She doesn’t work, she just holes herself up in her amazing new house….sleeping a lot. I am really worried about her, but I can’t fix her or make it better. I knew it was going to be hard, which is why I have been avoiding it.
One of her daughters lives with her, the pick of the three I guess. She came home right before we left and for some unknown reason she made me very uncomfortable. I am sure part of it was following the hello hugs she says “I’ll be back I need to go smoke some pot.” Who says that? I am not judging…okay maybe just a little….but I didn’t need to know that. This was also the first time I have ever been to somebody’s house that smoked cigarettes in it since I quit, that was tough too.
Yesterday I went to the cemetery for the services for my great uncle, it was nice to see the family but sad to say goodbye. The sun was shining for a change, but it was windy and chilly as per usual in Ohio. I ended up getting a really nice picture with my brothers, the serious one is okay, but I prefer the one where I am yanking on their ties. I will probably do something with it for Christmas, I wish I could show you but since they don’t know about this blog that would be very awkward.
It was late when I went online to Walgreens to make the cards……they were 50% off, and I couldn’t find any edit buttons or ways to make it larger and I don’t love how they came out. I wonder if they will take them back? I guess I will find out.
So now 15 special people will get a Christmas card in addition to a Thanksgiving card.
It is only 90 cents a pound but geez I am buying the meat ends for the dog….not the boy.
Since it was such an eventful weekend I am still doing laundry, someday I will take a picture of my journey outside and around the house to the death trap stairs to the basement…..maybe when I leave.
The kids drove over to their dads to watch the Walking Dead so it should be a special treat getting us all up in the morning……Zia