My paranoia ruined a very good intention and I feel very badly about it. This was how the good intention was supposed to end….
Picture the breakfast table with friends all around it discussing the happenings of the past week. One of the friends says “You guys will never believe it…somebody sent me cash in the mail! I have no idea who it is from….isn’t that crazy awesome?” The other friend could sit back just smiling and agreeing with you while knowing deep down that it was she who brought that joy and excitement. That was the vision…
Today it was “How in the world did you connect those dots? Cockroach always stole your money…why would he give it to you? I can’t believe that you filled out a police report, didn’t we just discuss that he hasn’t bothered you in a while?”
She is right. Why the hell did I jump to that conclusion? My response should have been “I can’t believe that this is happening, I now have exactly the right amount to sign up for my Italian classes….it’s a Christmas miracle!”
I feel horrible that I ruined her surprise and mad at myself for once again letting my paranoia get the best of me. In a way I am still letting him control me. I am getting better and I have come along way but it looks like I still have miles to go damn it……..Zia