Facing A Fear

fear qouteLast year when I had my mammogram I had to get a sonogram after…..it was a cyst and I was a mess. I didn’t tell anyone and I balled like a baby on and off the whole day, I was blubbering when he said cyst. He asked me if I had any questions….please I couldn’t even speak. Today I had to do the same thing, only I didn’t cry at work and the girls at work knew what was going on. Today after the sonogram she ushered me off to a room with two chairs in it……this was different than last year. My mind started racing what if this is the room where they put you to tel you bad news? Why am I in this room when last year he came in the cramped little room with interns to talk to me? Still….I didn’t cry. He did chuckle about “the bad news room”, I think it’s good to bring up the fear factor..especially with the boy doctors.

He walked into the room and my first thought was “he’s kinda cute for an older guy”….where did that come from? I don’t normally think like that. I have had people make comments about my primary care physician and I just look at them….he’s my doctor, what difference does it make what he looks like. Which make today even more odd. Anyhoo it turns out I have a tiny smooth lymph node that showed up on my mammogram…..nothing to worry about but come back in six months. If it’s nothing to worry about than why do I have to come back in six months?

I didn’t/won’t tell my family except for the kids and I didn’t tell them today. When I walked in the door twenty minutes early the girl looked at me, walked towards the kitchen and checked the time on the microwave, turned and raised her eyebrows at me. I said “I had to have a sonogram because of my mammogram”, she said “cyst again?” I said no “I have a tiny smooth lymph node, our bodies are full of them”. She “oh, okay”.

I struggled with my own fear which is why I didn’t blog last night, I didn’t want to “jinx” anything. I don’t know if a lymph node is better than a cyst or worse, but I can live with either one. When things like this happen it points out the things that matter. It would be nice to say that life is short, take a chance, make a change…..but when you have two children who depend on you….you suck it up until you find a way out……Zia



About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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4 Responses to Facing A Fear

  1. Glad the results were better than you thought they would be.

  2. I wish you well I hope the best for you.

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