Delicate Balance

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I hate when I get like this…..95% of the time it is not that hard to stay positive but when something upsets my delicate balance…..I have a meltdown. The kids went to their dads tonight so I didn’t have to keep it together…damn it.

I read a passage in a book today….. Very Valentine by Adriana Trigiani that described me to a T.  Denial provides temporary comfort, cushioned with hope and bound by luck, it’s a neutral, an emotional state that goes with everything.  Years may pass as we wait for the other shoe to drop, and in the meantime? Well, we’re fine. We wait in hope. Denial does no damage until the last minute, when it is too late to salvage a situation.

This passage is basically how I live me life every day and I am usually okay with it.

This all stems from the feeling of violation that comes with this whole tax mess. I know that I am not the only one, the lady at the post office said that there were many more but still, it’s me and my problem, so of course it’s bigger to me.

I need to stop depending on my income tax check to catch up on things, maybe that is the lesson that I am supposed to take away from this? All I know is that now I am going to have to wait a long time to get MY money. Maybe those people who bury their money in the backyard are on to something…

I’m no stranger to having somebody steal from me, the Cockroach did it many times, but it still sucks!

My day was mostly okay despite the tax issue. I went and had my hair colored, so no more grays is always good. Then I went to an Ashtanga Primary Series workshop which I loved even though it shows how badly out of shape that I am from skipping my practice for 2  1/2 months.

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I went to the Giant Eagle wine taste and had a really good time and even brought home a wine from Chile called Carmenere. The older lady just cracks me up with stories of her chasing single men throughout the store to try and bring them over to sample wine. I laughed a lot, who knew that going to the grocery store could be so much fun?

By the time I came home I wasn’t in the mood to cook dinner so I just heated up the roast from Thursday and made french dip sandwiches for dinner. The kids went to their dads and I finished watching Outlander.

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Here is the I’m pathetic part of the day……when I get majorly upset about one thing, it unearths things that I prefer to keep buried. This didn’t happen when I read the book because I was still hopeful then, now….not so much. It was really hard watching the love scenes of Jamie and Claire.It reminds me of how I wasted my youth on bad choices and how it can never happen for me. I have been through too much and 44 is just too old. I know that I am better off on my own and most days I do just fine with that knowledge….only on days when my delicate balance is disturbed that I am a hot sobbing mess…..Zia

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About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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4 Responses to Delicate Balance

  1. NOT FAIR – YOU DESERVE ONLY THE BEST – AND I TRULY THINK IT WILL COME TO YOU SOON – SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE. YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD PERSON! A GREAT MOM AND A TRUE FRIEND TO MANY. LOVE YOU!

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