It’s all me……so many thought came bubbling to the surface last night and I just couldn’t find a way to coherently tie it all together. I’m not so sure that I will do a better job today but I will give it a shot.
I am the reason that every relationship I have ever been in ended belly up. Even the Cockroach story….he would have happily continued to live off of me forever. It’s always been me.
Don’t get me wrong I do like my space and I don’t mind being alone, and being in a relationship isn’t something that I am actively looking for……but I am single because of me. There it is…and I am taking responsibility for it.
That boy from the story last night wouldn’t have minded being in a long distance kid relationship but the realist in me (bet you didn’t think I had that in me) realized that he lived a half an hour away and I was starting high school….who wants to say that their boyfriend is still in eighth grade? People gave me too much credit for that relationship anyway. I remember visiting my old principal at her new school when my kids were little, she brought it up even then how I turned his life around. He wasn’t a bad kid, he just never had anyone believe in him before. I loved him as much as fourteen year old girl could….there was no sex…I was eighteen my first time…not fourteen.
I ran into him while Christmas shopping a few years ago and I did talk to him once on the phone after that but Cockroach had a hissy so that was that. It’s not so nice to know that I am remembered for being the first girl to break his heart.
I didn’t have another boyfriend until my junior year of high school and he sought me out, the same with my ex husband. They chase, I eventually breakdown, they do something that pings my scale of morality and I get my excuse and I walk away.
I thought I was in love with my high school boyfriend but honestly it was more of the “idea” of a boyfriend, plus he helped get that virginity thing out of the way.
I had fun with my ex husband and hey there were orgasms involved but I knew on my wedding day that it wouldn’t last. I can’t use the word mistake because I did get two great kids out of that deal. One of us had to be the grown up and didn’t appreciate being told that they were no fun.
I of course loved the worst of the bunch the most. ( my morality scale should have dinged until it was out of order) I do believe that he used me but I also believed that he loved me as much as his addiction would let him. It’s easier to remember only the bad things until PT points out that he loved the heck out of me….I guess he just loved the drugs more. Anger is how I got over it, I am less angry now but I still hope to never see him again.
That is my major record with boys….why would I want to add to that list? I just have to remind myself on those 6 or 7 days a year when I am lonely that I have nobody to blame but myself…..Zia