Maybe just tonight…..
It was book club tonight and with SB at her beach house, there were only two of us. The other two are always hit or miss and can’t be counted on. We talked about the book for maybe fifteen minutes before she broke down.
It’s so hard to watch someone hurting and not be able to do anything but listen. There are a lot of people out there who dismiss mental illness….let me tell you it’s really hard to watch the people who are hurt by it. It was like her heart was being ripped out all over again just in retelling her story to me. Somethings you don’t come back from and I can’t even imagine my daughter hurting me that way.
This led to a discussion about other realationships, parents, children, mine, and hers. She is the first person who actually made sense when discussing my father. I don’t ever remember having a relationship with him, I wasn’t upset when my parents got divorced, if anything I felt relieved, I don’t hate him, I’m not angry with him, I’m just indifferent. Her opinion was that we never bonded that was why it never mattered to me…..maybe? It’s a different theory I guess.
She cried a couple of times working through her story and it wasn’t until we talked about my mom that I started crying. What a pair we were….crying in Panera. I guess it’s a good thing that nobody else showed up, she really needed to let some of that go. I filled her in on my hot mess and she thinks she might know of an apartment. It’s one of those places that don’t advertise and will leave an apartment empty for months until word of mouth brings in the right tenant. I don’t know the price, I don’t know about the dog, but if it works out I will be right down the street from Blondie and very close to the girls new school. If it is meant to be….it will be, but it sounds perfect. Like I said….I have never laid eyes on it, but you know how things tend to work out for me….they just jump out of left field and say “here I am, I am ready for you now” and it’s the perfect situation. I am not saying that this place is that….but it could be….
I will say that tonight I have definitely bonded with a book club member that didn’t start out in my inner circle. There is part of me that wants to share her story, but it is not mine to tell. I can’t even fathom the thought of losing a child that is still alive because of an untreated mental illness….and even if it was treated, there are some things that you can’t ever take back……Zia