There aren’t many things that I can say “I know” from my 45 years of experience except maybe this….”What works for you, will in know way, shape or form work for me.” I always have to do things the hard way. This is why I think that I hold onto things for so long.
I made a few decisions today. Nothing earth shattering, just your everyday vanity claims. When I go next month to get my hair done the blonde is going….if I have to pay a little extra each month then fine, I will. I miss my dark and I don’t see myself reflected in the mirror anymore. It’s just not me, and if I have to have some gray roots for a week or so then so be it. This blonde came out of my temporary insanity or hissy fit….depends on the view of battling those pesky grays. It’s my life and I choose dark shiny hair over dry and not natural blonde, drab, low light/highlight thing I have going on. I get a lot of compliments on it, but I kind of feel like Ponyboy Curtis when he said “it’s like being in a Halloween costume that you can’t get out of.” That may not be word for word…I’m middle aged and my memory can be rusty. I’m pretty sure you get what I’m sayin’.
The other issue that I am over is my diet. I rarely eat processed food and whoever said your weight is based on 80% diet and 20% exercise is full of horse hooey. In my case it’s 80% exercise and 20% diet. I am completely over all of this!!!! Even if it kills me I will find a way to exercise at least twenty minutes a day and that means cardio! On days when I feel like being a little nicer to myself I will incorporate some yoga which makes me feel connected. I am sick and tired and exasperated with myself, it’s time to shit or get off the pot! Excuse my French.
I miss the days when I could eat whatever I wanted and still be a skinny little thing. I miss the euphoric calm that would come over me with that first hit of a cigarette…. I still haven’t found my coping mechanism to replace that feeling. Did you know that your body burns calories just by smoking? It was easy to replace food with cigarettes and I really, really liked it. I never even tried to quit until after I turned forty and that little voice in my head said “it’s time”. If it wasn’t for that voice I may be a stinky somewhat skinnier version of myself. I really enjoyed smoking which is why I could never be that person who can have just “one”. I’m an all or nothing type of girl. It was so hard to quit…..it sucked bad! That is what keeps me from picking one up again, I couldn’t go through that again…..I’m too weak.
Okay….self image rant over. To keep all of this in perspective……and most people would be embarrassed to say this, but not me……I just shaved about three weeks off of my legs in the bath tonight. Gross, maybe? Remember it’s just been me, myself and I for more than four years now and sometimes I just don’t care. I slathered on some Burt’s Bees Apricot baby oil and now all is smooth and baby butt soft. Oddly I am still obsessed with softness. Yep that’s me….odd duck out……Zia