Those of you who suffered through yesterday’s post, thank you and I am sorry. I have posted before when I was angry or upset or even just an emotional moment. Last night was beyond all of that…..I was having a break down.
The day after hasn’t been so fun either. My eyes are tired, my stomach feels like I spent the night vomiting and I can’t breathe. I was still anxious all day today. This is all happening because two people who I care nothing about stole something that at this point isn’t that important. It’s just stuff, right? A picnic table isn’t worth how I feel today. I barely survived work and all I want to do is take a bath. A nice hot detox bath to soak in for a really long time. I know once I do that I will be done for the night. I might make it as far as the couch to watch some Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.
I first noticed on the day that I had to fill out the police report and then I noticed it yesterday when I was on the phone with the detective. I started to get slightly woozy and really hot. Not like a hot flash hot, it’s different. I think it could be my blood pressure so I had one of the nurses take my blood pressure today and it was 113 over 75. She said oh that’s in the good range but for me it’s not. My top number is rarely that high and the bottom usually ranges from the fifties to the sixties. I also wasn’t hot and woozy when she took it. I remember threatening the anesthesiologist when I was in labor with the boy. He kept hovering and muttering about it being so low and how he was going to have to shut it off. No way! I have always had really low blood pressure so this is new to me. Again, I reiterate a picnic table is not worth all of this angst.
I woke up at 3am with another can’t breathe high heat event. This time it was a dream. Those of you who have been with me for a while know about my recurring house dreams. Last night’s was a new one on me. I was in this house and I covered the kitchen floor with new tile. I happened to be standing in front of the kitchen sink when the first tile fell and immediately three or four followed. I got on the floor and looked in the hole and the tiles had fallen way down. I remember looking under the floor and wondering what the heck is holding this floor up? Then more tiles started falling and then the floor started swaying and I woke up not able to catch my breath and hot as hell.
I have had enough of these dreams to know that the house is me. This is my first floor dream. I looked it up and the consensus is that the floor represents a support system and sense of security. I have a loving family and the best friends in the world but my support system died with my mother….she was my rock. Maybe in a couple of days when I am less emotional it will make more sense?
That moon, my peri menopause PMS, and going through those pictures last night made me sound like a crazy person. Maybe I am crazy? I can’t help that I am emotional and that my emotions are tied to my physical health. I had my first upper G I as an infant, did I still carry some of my past life’s trauma with me? I haven’t had to have one in years thank goodness but I think I have had four. This must be where I bury stuff, in my belly. I really need to work on that….
I am beginning to think that I will never find a way to truly be free of this part of my life. I keep trying and someone or something always comes along and tries to drag me down….Zia