The Fog is Lifting

Today was better than yesterday but I still feel raw.  Do you know what it feels like to have the wind knocked out of you? That’s the best way I can describe it. I think I must have experienced shock of some kind? I didn’t see any of it coming and although “stuff” doesn’t really matter…I closed my eyes and relaxed for a second and he got me again.   I just wasn’t prepared for any of it. I’ll be better any day now and I will figure out how to rebuild my walls only better for next time.

Today was the longest day ever! It was the second surgery day this week and while the morning flew by, I found myself having way too much time to over analyze my breakdown this week.  I had most of it figured out but do you really care? I don’t. I am over all of this. I was blindsided, I wasn’t prepared for it and I had a breakdown.  He will always be there somewhere and it’s my problem how I react to it…’s a small town so it’s bound to happen. I need better armor and to find a way to deal with this breathing mess.

The girl sent me a text while I was at lunch that said “I need an adult”….my heart sank…what now? I guess there is a spider living in our mailbox and he is pretty aggressive too. Thank goodness it was just a spider.IMG_4163

I have been trying to not use any hair spray so I didn’t have an aerosol can on hand to make him all sticky and murder him that way. He is still a free arachnid until I find a way to plan his quick demise.  My cousins, while rather large and full of weapons tend to back down from spiders so I am on my own with this one. I’ll get him tomorrow….somehow.

KB and I have had dinner plans for a while now and then the girl decided she was coming too. I text KB and asked her to invite her daughter, so it became a mother daughter night. It was supposed to be in the alley but with the threat of rain they kept it inside. It was still nice only a little loud because the entertainment was inside as well.

It amazes me how much KB doesn’t remember from high school. There is a lot that I have forgotten, more towards the later years of high school so now I don’t feel so bad. Thanks KB…xoxo.  One of the kids we went to high school with died today.  Was he a year ahead of me? I can’t find any evidence in the year books and I can’t remember. I haven’t laid eyes on him since high school. He was cute enough to get a mention in my diary when I had to sit next to him on the bus and that was the extent of that. I guess he had a heart attack. KB said he was an alcoholic and there may have been some drugs, I only remember that he smoked cigarettes.  I smoked then too. It’s always sad when someone you knew died. I didn’t know him that well so it was more like “awe how sad, that’s a shame, he was so hot back then.” Shallow but honest.

So we are sitting there talking and eating when I hear someone mention my name. It was my old lab manager from the good lab…before the merger. It was so nice to see him!  He had his moments, especially to the others….I would never let him give me the silent treatment….I just kept talking. I bet you’re not surprised? I jumped right up and hugged him because well, I am a hugger. It was nice surprise. He knows about my dear friend who is still in the hospital. She was back on an upswing and now there is a fever and drug resistant bacteria in her lungs. This is not good…. I sent her one of my literary bottles and her husband said she smiled when she saw it….I did one thing right this week.

It has been a really weird week.  I have had the carpet ripped out from under me, while shocked and stunned my walls fell down. My stomach feels better with every minute but my breathing is a mess. I need to formulate a plan with better walls and a new defense system. I have an aggressive spider that I have to kill…somehow.  My PMS should be ending any minute and I am going into work early for a party tomorrow….I hate the restroom at the restaurant. Sunday I am meeting SB and we are going to an artisan festival in the woods and that means port a potties. Feminine maintenance in public is no fun.  I am hoping to get my cousin afterwards to take me back to the old house one more time. There isn’t much left after the break in, I just need someone armed to watch the perimeter while I get what I need.

This has been a rough week with the emotions on over load, the breakdown, the death, and all of the talk about high school. I told the girl tonight that” beach or no beach I will follow you where ever you want to go.”  I have no debt, no house, a disposable car, I can go anywhere. If you would told me in high school that I could have had anything I wanted then I would have told you that I wanted to go to UCLA and to write. Nobody told me I could and everyone told me all of the reasons I couldn’t. I can acclimate to almost any environment so I will follow the girl and drag the boy…willing or not. Somebody in this family is going to follow their dreams, no matter what……Zia


About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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