I went over RD’s tonight, we had some wine and sat outside. I miss being able to sit outside and it was long before the picnic table incident since I was able to sit outside comfortably. I think we talked about everything tonight. I will always remember tonight as the night I realized that there isn’t a single part of me that believes I will ever be in a relationship again. I’m still a little stunned by that. Sure I spout things off all the time but at the base of me I am still a freaking Pollyanna, everybody knows that. Today when talking about relationships there was no Pollyanna.
I really wasn’t expecting that. Even on my worst days there was a tiny piece of hope that I was wrong. The thought of suffering through another relationship is just too much. I never saw it making it this far….to the point that I was hopeless. It’s official…I am that person who always rolls her eyes and makes the snarky comments about happily ever after. You know like when Sandy says ” he was sorta special.” and Rizzo said “there ain’t no such thing.” ….That was always my favorite line from Grease. Maybe that should have been a sign?
We talked about a lot of things and since it always circled back around to men and sex, I am going to chalk this up to working on the Sacral Chakra. Some girls like a man that makes them laugh, some girls like a man with strong arms that will hold them all night, me? I like a man that can kiss me stupid….as my last relationship can prove. Sure I like to laugh, and I like to be held, but it’s all about that kiss with me. At this point and all future points it’s irrelevant but that’s what I miss.
I cry in books all of the time, movies and even commercials, rarely do I cry for myself. Today I did a little….just enough to mess up my mascara. It’s not everyday that you realize that you have no hope for a future relationship. I have all kinds of hope for the rest of my life so I will wipe away the tears, blow my nose and move on….kinda like I always do….Zia