I Am What I Am


I have been thinking about this on and off all week. I am who I am and why am I constantly apologizing for it? I will always be the odd duck, the black sheep, that friend who is a little different. I am a tad too emotional at times and I always wear my heart on  my sleeve and that is never going to change. I think I’m pretty easy to figure out. Every once in a while a situation will pop up and I will surprise myself but generally I’m pretty straight forward.

I had a boss once, the one with the “creep factor” who tried hitting on me after the Cockroach eviction. I can’t even recall this without saying “ick” out loud. He said to me one time “you’re a tough nut to crack.” No I’m not. I had no interest in him and wasn’t impressed by all of his money. I think maybe this technique worked for him in the past, no…I know it did. Ick, ick, ick…moving on…..

My current office manager knows pretty well.  The doctor that had the car accident finally got her car back. It was covered with tiny dents that went all the was down to the metal. It didn’t happen during the accident but the tow yard had a gravel drive. I used to live down the street from the family who own the towing company. The only thing I know about them is their son bullied mine on the bus in grade school. The insurance company was giving her a hard time about it. Once someone came down and looked at it he agreed to the claim. She said “I almost hugged him.”  I said “I would have hugged him.” My office manager looked at me and said “No, you would have cried first, then hugged him, and then sent a lengthy thank you card.”  I just laughed “yeah, you’re probably right.”

See, not so hard to figure out. There are some areas that I want to work on. The first is to stop apologizing for being me. The second is to stop beating myself up for something that I have said. My foot has always lived in my mouth, I should be used to it by now.  So maybe I feel like an idiot? It isn’t the first time and I can assure you it won’t be the last.IMG_4274

Yesterday was a brutal end to a vicious week. You can only block so much out. We had all kinds of add ons, infections, shingles, and a complete detached retina. That last one was hard to take. It’s late on a Friday before a holiday weekend and everyone was gone at the retina place we usually refer to. Luckily we have a second option. Her mom had to drive her an hour and a half this morning for her appointment. I hope it went well. That was like the last straw for me.

I came home from work, answered a text or two, sent a text or two while the dog was outside. I let her in and I crashed. I laid down on my bed still wearing my scrubs and slept until the football game woke me up. Geez it’s loud, I heard the same thing up at RD’s last week. I dragged myself off the bed, let the dog out again and boiled in the bath tub. The kids came home right after my bath and after listening to the girl fill me in on the last couple of days I went back to bed. I slept straight through until around eight thirty this morning. I laid there for two hours before getting up so I guess I needed it.

It’s so noisy in this neighborhood, constant cars, dogs barking, radios playing, power tool sounds, people talking. I am longing for silence except for birds and water….those sounds are allowed. I am going to try really hard to stay laid back and just go with the flow this weekend.  Fingers crossed that I actually let myself…….Zia

About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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2 Responses to I Am What I Am

  1. Nothing wrong with being who you are. Hope you are finding peace this weekend.

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