I need to snap out of this asap! I hate it when I get stuck in my head and just go through the motions. I was fine yesterday….I cam home from work, took a nap, and then went to bed a couple of hours later. I still don’t feel 100% so I figured I just needed the sleep.
The cat woke me up around 5am, meowing and slapping my face. I was dreaming so maybe I was making a noise? Maybe if he left me to sleep I wouldn’t have remembered it. I was one of those dreams that I detest. The kind that make you think you want something that you really don’t. It was vague with the details just memory or a longing in the waking. Maybe it was a past life dream? It was the soft brush of a thumb across my cheek,the faintest whisper of a kiss on my lips, the tips of fingers tracing my shoulders. What the heck?
So I wake up with all of these feeling floating around that I am not interested in so I immediately start arguing with myself. My last thought on the subject was sure….Cockroach was good at all of those things, not because he loved me but because I was a means to an end. There were times in that last year that he would hold me so tight that I couldn’t even shut off my alarm clock…..like an animal trapped in a cage. The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach is what helped me turn off those other feeling. As long as I remember the devastation and humiliation I won’t be open for the next guy that wants to squash me. I hate that I still have those feelings swirling in my belly right now. I just have to keep pushing it down. I think this is why I have been struggling with my Reiki since the second attunement. It keeps trying to flip the switch on my emotions while I am turning it right back off as soon as possible. This is going to be tricky.
I stopped at my witch store today to pick up my Himalayan salt soap and some candles and the shop owner was trying to make conversation. Clearly she could tell I was struggling with something because I wasn’t my chipper self but she didn’t say anything. She just gave me that look. The girl who was in line before me was having a bunch of friends over tonight and they were going to do a group release. So she was telling me about her suggestion to them and asked me what I do with my shit. (it was a shitty year so they were releasing all of their shit by writing it down on toilet paper and flushing it.) I simply said “I burn my shit.” If I want to send something out into the Universe or let it go I write it on a piece of paper or a leaf, etc. and I burn it. I am not comfortable talking to others about the way I pray. I’m like a lone wolf there, it’s between me and my maker. Sharing Reiki is not the same. I can’t possibly be making any sense to you right now, because I am not making any sense to myself so I will stop.
I still have to get through work and since Ohio State is playing tonight I can’t imagine that we will be busy. Weather permitting I will head out to PT’s afterwards. I really need to snap out of it by then. I will be home in time to eat chips and dip with the kids and watch the ball drop. It’s one of the few times a year that I buy junk food like that. Once the ball drops the kids will head back to their video games and I will light a candle and write out the ways that I hope to learn and grow next year. Be safe everyone…..Zia