Who likes to feel helpless and weak? Not me! How did I start my day today? With helpless dreams….
The first dream was about my mom, I had a lot of these kinds of dreams after she died. I always dreamed that she was alive. Somehow I managed to get her house back….you know..the one that’s been torn down. The house payment was only $159.00 and I found the box with the payment books. The books had another name on them but it was all worked out and she could stay there as long as she made the payment. I vaguely remember her asking about her creep boyfriend but I don’t remember what I said. I haven’t had one of these dreams in a very long time. I have struggled….as some of you have witnessed….without my rock. I still struggle now….I have absolutely no idea what I am doing and yet here I am….doing the best I can with what I have. I miss her everyday.
The next dream was kind of like the sequel to the first one. I was at the old house and my car was parked behind a car that I am guessing was my mother’s. It was there and then it wasn’t, you know….dream logic. I went to the window and looked at my newly smashed in car. Every window was broken and the roof was beaten down. I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach….the one I would get before I filled out a police report. I hated filling them out and they were useless to me. The helplessness I felt in this dream was my reality for a long time. Here’s the thing….Cockroach can do anything he wants and I can’t do a damn thing about it, the police can’t do a damn thing about it. How is that fair? It’s not fair. He just keeps getting away with everything, thankfully this was just a dream. It was a shitty way to start the day.
It was a weird morning anyway. I let the dog out and the silence was deafening. No breeze, no birds, just creepy silence, it was very ominous. Thankfully my day was better than my morning. Except for the fact that we left work at 6:10…that was a long day. The eclipse was cool and oddly my bright part of the day. The big doctor bought a few eclipse glasses so not as many people had to share mine. We had plenty though. I brought my camera and tried to take a picture but it didn’t come out. I have seven years to get the proper lens for the next one. We were short handed today so it was a nice break in the middle if the craziness.
I am hoping that with the passing of the eclipse and the new moon that I calm down. I have had some serious anxiety the last week or two and am ready for some calm……Zia