Goodbye is Never Easy

Today was a rough one. Mon Cher meant too much to me to just go to calling hours so SW and I went to the funeral mass this morning. First thing I did was make her husband cry…I didn’t mean to do it…it was awful. Someone lovingly made memory boards of pictures but I couldn’t look at them. I barely glanced at the casket…my friend wasn’t in there, only the shell that was her prison the last three years. I was there because she was my friend and I loved her.

We went and sat down in the church after paying our respects. My old boss was there with his daughter and I think his second ex wife? Who was the first person I wanted to tell that tidbit to?? Mon Cher. I was lucky enough not to have had to deal with small talk on that front. I was trying too hard to keep it together to deal with negativity and meanness, that’s more the daughter but whatever…I avoided it.

I have never been to a Methodist service before and with all the talk about condemnation and God’s wrath I thought “this will be a breeze.” That was until her sister took the podium…it took everything I had to not fall apart in that moment. It was a beautiful eulogy that took every bit of her strength to get through, which only made it harder for those of us trying to not sob.

This was the first friend I have ever lost. This wasn’t like losing my mom…which I’m still not over and that was 2001. It’s different than losing a family member. This is someone I chose to love. We had memories…we had plans…this really sucks.

Why am I crying? She is free from her earthly prison where she was trapped in a body that was failing her. She has no pain, no suffering, she has her wings. I am crying for the plans we made and never got to do….I am crying for her family because they are taking it hard. Her mother couldn’t even come to the funeral, how heartbreaking. I worry about her husband, especially tonight. Tonight will be the hardest, at least it was for me when my mom died. I never felt more alone in this world than I did on that night.

Maybe if I tell you about yesterday I can finally stop crying? Yesterday was a very strange day. Strange but in a good way. We didn’t have a doctor so I had my morning plans. I went through the contact lens trials and purged the expired ones and made my list to order replacements. I finished listening to the book club book before I was done with that task so I started another. I love the Libby library app on my phone!  When I finished with the contacts I started cleaning the kitchen, refrigerator and all. Let me just say….I threw out some pretty gross science experiments. I worked while listening to 2  1/2 hours of the new book. That was kind of nice, I’ve never done that before.

Sometime shortly after that, the power went out. We hung out for about an hour before the office manager said “let’s go home!” How exciting…especially on a Friday! I got a lot of stuff done yesterday. I knew I would be a wreck today and didn’t want to worry about “having” to do anything.  The Girl and I even did a quick walk through at the Home and Garden Show.

When I walked into this room and was hit with scent of hyacinths…it was all worth it.

I smelled Spring yesterday. I saw my first Blue Heron yesterday. This morning I had a downy woodpecker on my porch and…..drum roll please….I heard the mourning dove coo this morning. As my grandmother always said “it’s not Spring until the rain crow coos.” That was pre-funeral and I forgot about it until just now.

I also decided today that I am going to start teaching a Reiki 1 class….it’s time…Zia

About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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2 Responses to Goodbye is Never Easy

  1. Corky Morrissey says:

    whewww – I told myself DO NOT READ THIS AS YET – BUT I DID AND NOW AGAIN I AM A MESS – NOT YOUR FAULT DINA – YOUR WORDS WERE JUST LOVELY – I LOVE AND RESPECT YOU SO VERY MUCH MY FRIEND

    • dragonflyzia says:

      It’s extra hard on you… I didn’t realize Mon Cher’s funeral was so close to the first anniversary of your husbands passing. Hugs to you my friend, if you need me just call 😘

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