Life Goes On…

T minus 49 minutes and I am now worrying about food. I’m not really worrying about food….it’s only because I can’t have any after midnight. When I started the GAPS diet I basically had nothing but broth for the first week so what’s the big deal? Choice versus “have to” is the difference I guess. Plus there’s the no fruit and vegetables…hello? I live on salad these days??

Cheese is hit or miss with the reactions and at this point….I don’t really care. Tomorrow will be strange since it’s my normal food prep day. I might still make my eggs tomorrow but only because there is a chance I may be super hungry and pre-made eggs and nitrate free turkey bacon will do the trick after my procedure.

Yes….Monday is the dreaded colonoscopy. I am having no issues…but this is where the cancer started for my mom. If it turns out that I have cancer…I am quitting my job…moving to the beach where I will get a waitress job and I will write until I am gone. The Girl is trying to be the voice of reason stating that none of my mother’s siblings died of cancer….it doesn’t help because I am not so secretly freaking out. It’s a real and validated fear!

How do you face a fear that feels like an impending doom? I go to a sound bath…

I went…and I was out. I was told I did not snore but I was all the way out so I don’t know for sure. The way I look at is…raising my vibrations before the colonoscopy can only be a good thing. I am hoping that those crystal bowls worked their magic and are working to heal any ongoing issues I may have that I don’t know about.

While I was driving home one of the radio stations was having a special program with top hits from certain years. John Cougar’s Jack and Diane was the #1 song for the whole month of October in 1982…one month before I turned 12.

It was very fitting for my mood. “Life goes on….long after the thrill of living is gone”. I am still enjoying the thrill for now….or am I just distracting myself from a big ugly fear? Lot’s of people have a colonoscopy and aren’t this dramatic….get a grip girl!

I am 90% sure I am done coloring my hair??? I have one henna/indigo treatment left in case I change my mind in a hurry. This morning while I was getting ready I could see the gray coming in again. It hasn’t even been two weeks since my last treatment. I would say I have at least a half  and inch of new gray growth. Is it really worth the fight? I’m not so sure anymore… Why do I still fight it?? Because I am single? Because society tells me to worry about it? Vanity?? I can’t say….but I am not sure I am going to continue the fight? When it comes to this…I could change my mind tomorrow?? Vanity is an ugly and tricky beast…

Speaking of beasts….I had the best surprise Friday morning when I went into the basement to get my scrubs for the day. There was a frog/toad in the basement!!! I even said out loud “oh look at you, you cute little guy” He looked at me and then dove back into the drain. I have a magical basement amphibian!!! Plus he will eat the basement spiders…win..win.

My music while writing this blog has changed from Jack and Diane to Bon Jovi Crush…to Disturbed “Sound of Silence to  Simon and Garfunkel. I can sing the Simon and Garfunkel version…which led to the Boxer and then to I Am a Rock which has been my theme song since I was a child. What does that say about me???? Simon and Garfunkel’s greatest hits has always belonged to my mom. There is only one song not sung by them that triggers a break down from me…

This song is 100% my mom and  brings me to tears every time…..

 

There’s a chance that this whole post is full of random things…mostly my fears and my missing my mom…this song breaks me every time….Zia

 

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About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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