It’s Not Working

The past few days have been hard and I’m not exactly sure why? I have always been a square peg trying to fit in a round hole so that’s not new? I have also been super tired. Yesterday I did not want to get up in the morning, I took my twenty minute nap at lunch and an hour nap when I got home and still went to bed early?

I lifted my calendar this morning to look at next week when I saw that there is a new moon with a solar eclipse on Tuesday…maybe that’s it? I don’t like how it feels so I am guessing a big change is coming? What do I know?  I only know how I am feeling.

A friend of a friend suggested that I see a rheumatologist to try and help figure out what is wrong with me. I should have tried to call today but I chose to be distracted by the neighbors pool. I don’t regret that choice one bit. I was nice and relaxed when I started letting the Girl have it via text message since she is at her dads.

Both of my kids think I am kidding…what they don’t understand is that when I change my thought pattern things change. The Girl does not have a job so when I come home from work I shouldn’t have to do anything except cook them dinner. Loading the dishwasher and emptying the dishwasher should not be something I had to do today. I also shouldn’t have had to take two towels off the kitchen chairs and wash them. Those towels were from two days of swimming at the neighbor’s pool. She has done nothing but play video games, swim, nap, and eat for the past two days. If I want to do everything by myself then I can live on my own for cheaper and do it by myself. They can go live with fun daddy and see how much fun he really isn’t. Let’s not forget they are 21 and 23…I was already living on my own at this age….heck at 23 I was engaged.

I’m mostly just mad but there is part of me that really wants to say “you guys have to live with your dad because I’m outta here” Do I really have to wait for the Girl to finish her first four years of college?  The Boy will not leave while his grandparents are still living and if he doesn’t want to live with his father he can always move in with them.

Does all of this sound a tad dramatic? Maybe? It’s not the first time I yelled about my lack of help in the past few weeks. Could I really do it? Could I leave my adult children with their father and start over somewhere? I’m not sure but I have been thinking pretty hard about it lately.

All I know is the the way things stand right now…they are not working for me anymore….Zia

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About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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