Fear…..the Silent Dictator

48..I mean 49 years (still not used to that one) is a long time to let fear dictate my life. I am afraid of way too many silly things. Yes, I am still reading Journey to the Dark Goddess and I highly recommend it….it really will change your life. https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Dark-Goddess-Return-Your/dp/1846946778

I have been saying for years that I feel “stuck” and I can’t figure out how to get unstuck? This book has made me acknowledge some things that I have been doing, and on some level I had to know what I was doing. I keep myself busy with things like Italian class and the volunteer naturalist program in addition to whatever else I can find that keeps me so busy I don’t have to feel the feels. Yes…I keep myself busy so I don’t have to directly deal with my “stuff”. My feelings..I just keep shoving them down. I have dealt with some of the big bad stuff but other things…the little things…I haven’t faced.

So Tuesday when I got the nudge to make the phone call, I cringed, but I did it. Wouldn’t you know….they had a cancellation and could see me the next day…what??? I took it but damn it you know I didn’t sleep well Tuesday night…We normally work until noon on Wednesday and while I knew we would be working over, I had no idea it would be until 2???? Luckily I was able to keep the appointment, I left at 12:50.

On my way out of the parking lot I was distracted by a feather so I stopped and picked it up. I have no idea what kind of bird has this kind of feather but it called to me. Seagull? Turkey? Some kind of hawk? It was about the size of a ruler and I found comfort in it during my drive into the unknown…

The girls in this office are amazing! I picked this dentist because he has a calming energy about him. I helped him pick out his glasses in the Summer. He didn’t recognize me and I didn’t mention it. I spent more time with the best dental hygienist out there than I did with the Dentist. I haven’t had my teeth cleaned in over twenty years and she made me feel like it wasn’t that bad. I knew I was having a gum issue and with my teeth shifting I had to do something. I was so scared…I had no idea what the prognosis would be??? 

She removed a lot of plaque and that wasn’t pretty. My gums are definitely in bad shape…I tasted blood for two days after this visit. I have to go back after the holiday for a two part cleaning…the kind where they numb you first and do one side of the mouth at a time. Force of Nature Girl’s husband had to do the same thing and he goes to the dentist twice a year…that made me feel better too. I went in thinking I was going to lose a tooth…maybe more than one and have to get a partial. Thankfully it wasn’t as bad as I feared. I have to have the two part cleaning, I have seven cavities, and I need a crown. I was debating the crown but you know what??? I thought I was going to lose this tooth and the ones around it because I babied it so much…just do the crown and I will figure out the money. That’s where I am now. I just want to get my teeth/mouth healthy. I won’t go as far as to have those over white fake looking teeth treatments…just the healthy part.

I put off this trip to the dentist for so long because of fear…the prognosis wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Did it hurt…hell yes! Wednesday night was the worst…even Thursday was bad. It did get better. The Dentist did tell me that if I had a driver with me for the procedure he could give me a pill (I forget what it was called, it began with an a) that would make me relax….I think his words were “you won’t care what we do to you.” No thanks….there is nothing about that statement that makes me feel comfortable and I trust this Dentist. I’m fine with the novocaine…the worst part will be after the novocaine wears off anyway.

This pretty much wiped out my Wednesday. The Girl and I had a few places to run to, only to get stuck driving home on ice. On one of the roads my tires made a whooshing sound and the Girl exclaimed “what was that?” I tried to explain to her about ice and traction. We only passed one car in the ditch and the police were already there…luckily we made it home in one piece. I was whooped! Between the lack of sleep, the anxiety, the actual trip to the dentist, and the tricky drive home…I was done….mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Thursday my gums still hurt and I was tired. Friday was better…mouth wise anyway. I am for the most part caught up after my week off, thank goodness! I can’t stand having stuff all over my desk.

Book club was last night. I didn’t finish the book because I am still deep in the book I am reading but it was our Christmas exchange and let’s be real…this isn’t the first book I didn’t finish. It was sad so I am not sorry I didn’t finish it. I am not in the mood for sad right now.  SB wasn’t there so it wasn’t the same. It was still fun but not the same.

Today the Girl and I got up relatively early and headed out to run errands. We lucked out at every place!  There were two stores that we always have to wait and we ended up next in line at each store…the big line ended up behind us. It was rare and appreciated. We came home…I started the sauce and the Girl rolled meatballs. I made myself a recipe I saw when I was on vacation..it came out really well. http://joybauer.com/healthy-recipes/no-noodle-cheesy-spinach-lasagna/  I think I might take it to my brothers on Christmas Eve. I don’t want to bring sauce and meatballs this year since I can’t eat it…it will be easier if someone else makes it then I won’t be as tempted.

Today I finally dragged up my sewing machine…it was such an easy project. Why did I put it off for so long???? Fear again…not sure why but I was. I like the infinity scarf that doesn’t need wrapped around so that is mostly what I made. I made one that was long enough to twist and now they all just need the tiny bit of hand sewing to finish them off…..

I made some the normal size and then with the left over fabric I made some skinnier ones. I think they are all wearable and the Girl and I will probably keep the skinny ones and the rest are gifts. Now I have to clean up the kitchen and maybe cut some wool. Threading a serger is another thing I have been afraid of doing. I’m sure there is a Youtube video..if not…I have the manual. I have to run to the post office tomorrow and that is it. I sold a book on eBay and I’m not sure I will break even…this is the last auction I offer free shipping..for real.

This is definitely a makers weekend and I don’t have many more days to spend making things so  I have to stay committed…..Zia

About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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