Not Enough

I have been struggling with this one since the announcement that we can go back to work on Friday. Did I do enough? Did I learn enough? Did I rest enough? Did I grow enough? The inner work, the outer work,  the house work, the yard work, etc….all of the work. How did I measure up? Was I enough? Did I use my time wisely? How am I a better person?

I had a friend point out today “we are human beings, not human doings.”  This is one of those old agreements…isn’t it? The need to be “productive” all the time? The old agreements are hard to let go of, at least for me. I am starting to be more aware of it, so I guess that’s something.  My friend also suggested that I make a list of what I did with my extra days the last 4 1/2 or 5 1/2 weeks. I can’t remember when we started rotating days?

Did I do enough? What projects did I accomplish during this time? I did take everything out of the cupboards, purge and clean. Another day I scrubbed the outside of the cabinets and the walls in the kitchen. I magic erased door frames and doors. I’ve cut grass, mulched three beds (with help from the Girl), planted flowers, and started some plants by seed. I’ve organized some things, given some things a fresh coat of paint, and reupholstered that footstool and sewed a pillow. Doesn’t seem like that much? Oh and there was that bedspread I upcycled and the new recipes I tried.

Did I learn enough? Learning about herbs is a lifelong project and I learned a little about making herbal teas and a little about Spring foraging. My warrior goddess class ends tomorrow. I did learn a lot and met some nice people and even made a new friend.  I took the meditation challenge and that is probably the best thing I did!! If I can make the time, 20 minutes is when I can truly get in the zone, and outside is my favorite place to meditate….plus I made that outdoor circle mat.  I will 100% continue this practice forever. My new friend taught me some of the ins and outs of online bill paying….things I never considered, along with the should and should nots.

Did I rest enough? It was nice to be home when the sun decided to make an appearance. We don’t get that much sun and there are many days I don’t get to enjoy the sun because of work. There were many afternoons when I took my earphones outside and listened to podcasts and classes, or even meditating out in the sunshine. I’ve already worn shorts and this is the first year it wasn’t too bad because I wasn’t pale. I did binge October Faction with the Girl, it wasn’t bad, it wasn’t long, and it held my attention. She started another show Absurd  Planet and boy is it absurd. Some of it is interesting but it would not be my first choice. I also watched I Am Maris. I found this deeply moving with a positive message. We need more of this in the world!  I watched Carrie Pilby and while I liked it…I felt like “this is not what I signed up for?” I’m not sorry I watched it. I feel like both of these movies show “a journey to the underworld” and both of these characters rose to the occasion. Maris being a real girl, with real problems…every woman and girl should watch her story, she is a true inspiration.

Did I grow enough? The answer to that question will always be no. You can never grow enough. Did I grow some? Absolutely! The warrior goddess course and the meditation challenge helped the most. This will always be a work in progress.

Did I use my time wisely? Probably not. I did notice that the days with sunshine were more productive…even if it was too cold to go outside. SAD will always be a struggle while I live in this area. I had hoped to accomplish more…why? This may be the old agreement thing again?  Maybe? When I look at it in writing, it doesn’t seem like I am a total slacker…I just don’t live up to my own expectations? I’m a bitch that way, I guess….Zia


About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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2 Responses to Not Enough

  1. In the end you probably did enough for your mind, body and soul.

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