I found something new to burn this week. In my picture mess was some memorabilia which included some old journals. One of which was written in 2001 although there were a few entries from 1998 and 1999 in that same journal. I will probably burn them all but this one I read from cover to cover tonight.
I didn’t leave my ex husband until late October of 2001 but the first entry in this journal from 1998 was how much I loathed him. I only stayed because I felt like I needed validation for my actions. I had validation when he was fired for embezzlement but I didn’t want to kick him while he was down. I was so stupid. I guess it happened when it was supposed to happen in the end.
I have never forgotten that drive down my mom’s driveway on her last birthday, the day my ex picked to move us out of town…again…I was so stupid. I pulled into the driveway and all of the grass was black. In one motion with a whoosh of wings a murder of crows lifted off of the lawn. I’ll never forget that sound but what I did forget is the part where the crow left me. I talked about my lack of crows a lot in that journal.
Funny how the crow has shown up this year for me. There are anywhere from one to five always hanging around and they always find the peanuts I put out for them. This is my third Summer in this house and this is the first year with crows around everyday. If I see one, I greet it. I’m sure the neighbors already think I’m crazy and that’s fine with me. They might see me nod in the direction of the bird but they don’t hear me say “good morning crow.” I had the signs and I chose not to see them once…I will not let that happen again. I knew I was going to leave my ex but I didn’t have a good enough reason to validate my actions. Only I did! Whatever..I haven’t beaten myself up over that for years.
I was also able to revisit a session with a trusted psychic. All of these years I have been saying I would live into my 70’s but what I wrote was “my 80’s surrounded by my children and grandchildren.” He also said I would have some kind of digestive problems and he saw a small scar on my stomach. I do have the lyme not lyme and it’s related to food? Soy for sure so who knows? He said I would be married twice and sees me moving someplace warm, out West maybe? With the sand between my toes and the sun on my back. He hears voices all around me but he can’t understand what they are saying. The voices speak in a foreign language, Hebrew maybe? I have healing powers within me which I am guessing now is Reiki? I’m not going to lie….I tore these pages out, they are not going up in smoke with the rest of my words. At least not yet…
Rereading the words I wrote as I watched my mother die were not easy but I did it. There was a thing or two I didn’t remember in those pages as well. Nothing worth mentioning though…Except for the part where I brought her my baby blanket that my grandmother made. I wrapped it around her but was not sure if she recognized it until my brother made a comment about it. She did remember, it was a tiny gesture on my part but it worked. It brought her mother to her.
I am roughly 95% done with my photo situation. I have a photo storage box on the way and I need to decide where I am going to store my newly organized photos and then I will be done. It took a long time and I was overwhelmed for days but it got done. It’s a huge feeling of accomplishment for sure! Now I have a new list for the weekend….Zia