Unintended Betrayal

I did a guided meditation this morning and it brought up some unexpected emotions. I’m not sure why I’m so surprised? One of my cousin’s little girls is clearly an empath and his behavior has been quite the trigger as of late. I won’t let him do to her what was done to me…not that he would want to if he understood, he just doesn’t understand. I feel it’s my job to make him understand. This morning’s meditation brought up that issue and then some.

See , here’s the thing….my mom was my rock. The person who always stood by me no matter what…as an adult. As a child? She was 20 when she had me and she only did what was done to her…. I’ve actually learned a lot from my aunt during our bimonthly calls.

My mother was the oldest girl and was the golden child until the baby was born which was only five years before I was born. There were four girls out of eleven and the aunt I talk to was the third girl, who has fourteen years on me. It turns out my grandmother wielded quite the wrath. If one of my younger uncles did something and made it out of the house before my grandmother got a hold of him she would turn to the others and say “you best go and fetch him or else you will take what was meant for him.” My sweet grandmother was a force to be reckoned with back in the day.

I guess I never thought of my childhood as violent, it was just normal to me. Understanding what it means to be an empath has changed some of that but I never have blamed my mother. I did check with one of my paternal cousins today and the punishments were pretty much the same from the dads.

So punishment from my dad was almost always the belt and he always did that annoying dad snap as a warning. Almost any memory of my dad then and now will cause an eye roll. I’m not sure when my indifference to my dad started but it was when I was young for sure.

Here’s the thing about me…I feel everything deeply….fathoms and fathoms deeper than the average Joe. Take that fact and add a mouthy child who would challenge any authority that doesn’t “feel” right and none of that equals an easy childhood. My mother told me many of times that when we were in public and I was acting out (in what way, I’m not sure) she would reach under the table and give me a big pinch with a turn. When I would start crying she would say “oh, did you hurt yourself?) The worst of the worst was a day when she decided that I needed to clean my closet. I have always been messy, I can’t help it….it goes with the creative gene. She was so upset and now when I look back, I’m not so sure it was actually about me…I was just there.

She was yelling at me to clean it up and then yelling at me about the way I was trying to clean up. I was confused at the conflicting yelling and angry at being yelled at so I yelled back which resulted in having her grab the the hair at the back of my head and she repeatedly slammed my head into the wall. Not her best moment….she knew it, and she knew I remembered it. Why did I never blame her for it? It had to be because I felt what she was feeling and our feelings overlapped.

As an adult I know now that she was miserable in a marriage to a self involved twit….who by the way did NOT invite his gay son to stay with him when he comes home for Christmas this year. This might actually be the easiest way to rid myself of those bimonthly calls…after Christmas maybe?

My aunt told me my mom was in love with someone else but by the time she realized it she was married and pregnant with me. My dad has always put himself first so at that point my mom is far away from home, the only people close to her were my dads family. My grandmother was awful to my mother as well as my aunt but my grandmother’s sister and brother were always there for her. Actually my great uncle is with me to this day as a spirit guide…he is the only one loud enough that I can actually hear. I remember my great uncle being there when my mom had her first cancer surgery and my parents had been divorced a long time before that.

My grandmother did not come up in the meditation but since she was awful to my mother she is here now. My cousins however….have a very deep grandmother wound. It surprised me and I’m not sure why, I watched her treat them like second class citizens and even commented on it. That’s not my trauma though…I can see where my dad and his brother might have the mother wound, not that they would acknowledge it.

I can’t say that I have never channeled my maternal grandmother when yelling at my kids when they were small, but it was just the yelling. The boy had his ass beat many of times but just his ass and just my hand. My paternal cousins minus one confirmed have never used a belt as punishment. These kids are all disciplined without a belt or a timeout chair….somewhere in the middle seems to be working for us.

I would give anything to have my mother here with me now and I feel like I have betrayed her memory in someway with my words. That was not my intention. The meditation brought up these feelings and I am writing them to release them….My mother came from a world where you didn’t talk about these things and therefore I was raised to never talk about those things….but I’m here now to talk about these things….Zia

 

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About dragonflyzia

I am just a woman finally accepting that I was never meant to be in the box. I don't fit into any stereotypes, please don't try and label me, that doesn't work either. I am embracing my uniqueness in ways that are new and challenging to me, so that I may continue to grow and never stop learning.
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