Wahoo, I Played in the Dirt!!

We finally had two nice days in a row….on a weekend!!! The grass is turning green and the trees are ready to burst with fresh leaves…it’s almost here. Let’s all just ignore Tuesday night’s forecast of snow…okay?

I am all about letting go of things that no longer serve me and that includes landscaping. My original plan was to get rid of all of the grass in front of the porch. I wanted a wild and free English garden feel, what I ended up with was a neglected piece of land that the boy was afraid to mow. He doesn’t have to fear running over a random plant any longer….the girl and I ripped it all out. We only left the lilac bush, which is now sporting a new layer of mulch.WP_20140413_004

I have decided that less is more. I have a few spots where things have come up for years….everything else I covered with landscape fabric. I have two whiskey barrels and the girl is insisting on a third and that is it. She also picked the black mulch, I usually go with the boring brown.  No more bushes or little trees in front of the porch! WP_20140413_003

The leaves and dog poop were out of control in this area. It is all cleaned up now, I even cleaned out a few years of accumulated leaves out of the gutters. I am hoping that will help some with the basement since the first drain company pooped out on me. I will figure it out, I always do.

It was a very long day today and the poor boy was pushed to the limit. He was a good sport and we did get the last big tree (that we could still dig/pull out) out of the former blackberry mess. He also held the ladder for me while I cleaned out the gutters and helped me lay twelve bags of mulch, and filled up the two whiskey barrels with dirt. That was way more physical labor than he is used to, and to be honest…. I am right there with him!

I have also discovered that I like Pinot Noir and I settled down with a glass or two of this to watch Once Upon a Time tonight.WP_20140413_002

It seemed fitting in a way that only makes me chuckle…..Zia

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Letter To My Father

Don’t panic, I won’t really send this to him but I think I need to at least say it. I hold on to things too long and it’s not healthy so I need to find a way to let it go. My neck is still not right, I am still not sleeping and now that my muscles are being worked on…..I can feel when they start to clench up. I need to start letting all of this crap go.

When my littlest brother was in town last, we all went to dinner. It was one of the first Fridays in Lent and somebody suggested the fish. My response “I don’t eat any seafood” my sister in law said “oh just like your dad”…..”I am nothing like my dad!” My brother “can we say daddy issues?” First and foremost I don’t believe that I have daddy issues, I don’t hate my father….I just tolerate him when necessary. It may sound cold but if I never saw him again, I don’t think I would mind.

Dear Dad,

I am pretty sure that we are both at an age where I can be honest. You can stop pretending to reach out because Tommy (my brother) or your sister are pushing you to do so. I will continue to call you on your birthday and Father’s day, I will do the obligatory family dinners when you are in town. So here is your free pass, it’s okay that you are emotionally inapt. Stop fake trying please.

This is what I remember from my childhood…..you were never there, and when you were, we were treated like minions. Do this and that and let’s not forget that even on vacation we must be sheep and go to mass. Who strips wallpaper in the middle of the summer……when it is a million degrees outside….no air conditioning….and since it was the 70′s the process was done by heating the paper with a really big machine? My idiot father that’s who and we had all better be in there helping.

When you weren’t at work…you were at school, or helping your friends, and even to this day never your family. You proved that with your own mother. You were honestly surprised when your marriage fell apart. To this day I know every word to Simon and Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits because that is what Mom played over and over again. She was alone, she was mother and father to us always.  Yet whenever I referred to you as the sperm donor, which was often over the years….she still stuck up for you, it really made her mad. I can’t help how I feel or what you are.

When you divorced I was twelve….and you decided you wanted to be a father? It doesn’t work that way, you have proven yourself not worth my time. It’s a character flaw I know, but this is who I am. Then you started reading all of those parenting books and in one of them they said you should always tell your kids that you love them, nobody ever told you you were supposed to mean it. To this day when I pick up the phone eyes mid roll I cringe because I know the very first thing that you are going to say is “I love you”. It’s worse I think when you know it’s all hogwash.

The only good thing about you passing off all of your responsibilities is the amazing relationship that I had with your father. You definitely did not pick up anything from that wonderfully loving man who was just short of walking on water. I was just reminded of him today when the girl tried to get me to rev my engine at a red light. I didn’t but he did all of the time, whenever some young punk would pull up next to us, he would fly when that light turned green. I still gives me a giant grin.

Pause and insert….So I don’t want to hear all of that nonsense that I wouldn’t know a good man if I saw one….I know what one looks like, I also know that they are an endangered species. (This is just a side note…it wouldn’t be in my imaginary letter)

I do give you some points for trying to be helpful after mom died, I know that you didn’t like to give the help but you did. Except that one time that you wouldn’t help with the heating oil because you just couldn’t swing it that month….and then went to Europe for two weeks the next month. That one did sting, I would be lying if I said otherwise. That was also the end of any emotional attachment (which was already almost nonexistent) that I may have had to you. Ebenezer should have been your name, life isn’t Monopoly, and you can’t take it with you……just sayin’.

I could name more incidents that have happened over the years but that would just be mean. I am not trying to be mean I am just being honest. Stop trying to lamely reach out to me, and stop asking Tommy what is going on with my life. It is starting to have an impact on a relationship that I actually do care about……Zia

 

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Forced Relaxation

My 1/2 of a vacation day feels like a total waste…..not only were the drain guys not able to help me……or should I say willing to try….but the guy then gives me his sons phone number, but don’t worry I will fill him in on your situation…..really? My phone never rang today. I swear I take one step forward and then slam something throws me two steps back!!!!

It was a sunny 70 degree day, so I thought I would sit outside and read the book for book club. Funny thing about Ohio…we get sun and warmth….we get wind….three more years!

I did read the whole book this afternoon(inside), and as books go this one was really messed up….seriously messed up! So I rested and escaped to a very disturbing place, not my kind of book. I guess I am more of a sci-fi ..fantasy girl, or at least has to have a touching ending or meaningful plot.11162684-large

I did do my homework that the massotherapist assigned me. First trading in my much loved hand made leather purse for a man made pleather from China cross body bag…WP_20140409_001Which the only real bonus is…my gun has its own pocket now.WP_20140409_002

It will definitely take some getting used to…..cross body I mean.

My neck/shoulder has not kept me from sleep since my initial appointment, but I can still feel it. Sometimes when I am on the phone at work I can feel those muscles clenching up like a fist….not healthy I know. I am really trying to pay extra attention to my body and how it feels. Speaking of…….

I didn’t want to say anything at first….until I was sure that it was just another random….not brown recluse….spider bite. This one is on my right breast and is a little unsettling….WP_20140409_004

Apparently I am supposed to be learning something from the spiders that I am just too clueless to get…so they keep biting me….only me. This photo is 2 and 1/2 weeks into the bite. I’m not going to lie, initially when that circle was growing every day and I was concerned. It is shrinking, I shower and swab with alcohol everyday…it is getting much better. Why are the spiders picking on me….the one who lets them live? That phase is over..if you are not in my garden or a daddy long leg…..you are spider juice at the bottom of something heavy.

I thought about setting off a bug bomb, they usually do a decent job, but they do not work on the brown recluse…..then I thought I would check out ordering daddy long legs online because they are super poisonous to other spiders. What if I helped create a super poisonous breed of spiders in my battle? I have seen too many bad B horror movies in my day to attempt that. So it’s now see and smoosh!

Just another weird day in my struggle called life…..Zia

 

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Knotty Girl

I really need to learn to let things go…….where do I carry all of this crap that I can’t let go? My neck and shoulders….mostly my shoulders. I went and saw a massotherapist tonight, my first time ever. I had no idea what to expect and I was a lot bit nervous, but it all worked out, and my knots…well it’s a start.Trigger-point-massage

When I was leaving the first thing I did was put my purse strap over my bad shoulder, and it was strongly suggested that I reconsider that move….damn. I’m going to have to find a cross body bag and a holster……do boys who carry have this much of an issue….probably not.

I guess my battle with the wild blackberry bush also left a good scratch on my back that I didn’t know about. This is what my arm looks like a couple of days later.WP_20140407_002

They are really bad around the elbows, I just couldn’t make that picture work. I still won the battle and the scratches don’t even hurt, now my knots…..they are throbbing something serious. I go back next Monday after work and before yoga. I guess I will be cooking extra this Sunday, I won’t want to cook at 7pm.

The basement flooded again last night, I think it is more than the drain, I took half a day on Thursday so the drain guy could come out. It’s supposed to be 75 degrees that day, at least I can be outside, even if it is while trying to find an exit pipe from the drain.

The drain is blocked, my feelings are blocked, my back is full of knots…..I get it. I need to find a way to deal and I’m pretty sure repressed anger is the big one. Every time I get a hang up at work or I pass the Cockroach driving by my house I get really pissed off! It’s not healthy how angry I am…mostly at myself for being so stupid. Letting go………yeah I definitely need to work on that one…….Zia

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Overly Ambitious?

It’s been a while since my last post so I guess I will start with today and then see how much mattered this week. I did not miss breakfast club this week, so that’s a good sign for the rest of the week. :) I was even timely, which is early for me. I was able to run to the few places that I need to be and still made it home a little before noon.

My ex husband changed jobs…..again, and now his days off have changed. I haven’t had my kids for the whole weekend on a regular basis since they were little. I like it! I think that is part of the reason that I overdid it outside today.

The girl has it in her head that she wants to paint the house, actually she has been asking since last summer. We have a really nice (insulated better than the house) out building…for lack of a better word. It actually needs painted, so she is starting there. The one side she did get done today looks so much better than it normally does.

Since the sun was shining today I had some yard work that I have been wanting to do since last year that I never got around to doing. I had wild blackberries sprout up a few years ago, I made brandy the first year, which is why I kept it around. It took over like crazy and looked like crap, and the birds always beat me to the berries. So the three of us worked on it, why am I the only one who looks like they went to war? The thorns did their best but they ended up on the burn pile, my scratches will heal but they will be toast when they dry out.

There were also some unknown things that were growing in there as well. When I pulled this root out, I really thought it was going to scream like in Harry Potter.WP_20140406_001

It is down to my three lilac trees, a random tree that sprouted on it’s own, and two little unknown bushes that will be yanked when I can move again. It looks 150 times better than it did, what a relief!

Since I had the kids today I am making my Grandma’s pizza. I put the dough on the cookie sheets at noon and 6 1/2 hours later it’s almost time to make them. I make two pepperoni and one Briar Hill (because Grandma always did). I also put a big twist on my soup this week….roasted red peppers. Last weeks soup was a big hit, so I took some of that and added it to my chicken soup and this week I added roasted red peppers and roasted eggplant….it definitely has a kick.

I committed to taking the ABO in May, once I dropped $225.00 it’s a done deal.  I am blowing out all of the online courses so I can just concentrate on the studying. I have six more courses, that I should finish tonight, then it is study time.

I had extra help yesterday, I went to a Dr.’s office to get some hands on. At first I felt a little guilty because I know the other girls are not seeking extra help. We all work in the same lab….it’s not my fault that I have built a relationship with my accounts…who are all very eager to help me. JD told my to stop that nonsense….and learn,learn,learn.

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How is this for an antique generator? Pretty cool…and it still works.

I think that there must have been some wacky pattern in the stars last week. At first I thought my craziness was part of the every three months or so my peri-menopausal  intense mood swings….. Then all of the shootings happened…at the army base and in my area. There was even an incident at Kent State University…..emotions were running high.

I also noticed an increased number of hang ups at work, always a blocked number. I had 7 in just one day….it all started after Bad Personal Hygiene Girl saw the Cockroach at that wedding…it’s not rocket science.

I also need to find a good massage therapist, I spent the better part of the week in a tensed up, stiff neck, this is where I carry all of my stress, can’t sleep, can’t take it anymore pained state. Lucky for me one of the girls at work had a prescribed anti inflammatory prescription that helped, but I need more help than that. That is why overdoing it in the yard today was extra stupid! I’ll pay for it tomorrow……Zia

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Irrational and Hormonal Woman

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How much of what we feel when we are hormonal and suffering from PMS is true? What is irrational and what is buried truth?

My day started just as every other work day does, until I decided what I wanted to wear today. Clothes on and off at light speed, my neatly made bed covered in rejected clothes. How did I feel?

I felt disgusting! I felt fat with a newly found loathing of my body. I, like thousands of woman everywhere have a poor body image. For me it didn’t matter when I was a size 4 I still felt fat, imagine how I feel at 150lbs and I am only 5ft 5.

The twenty pounds that I gained from quitting smoking has really pushed me over the edge. I feel trapped in a body that I no longer recognize.

It’s hard to get up everyday and be disgusted every time you pass a mirror. It’s also a lot of work to shove those feelings down and pretend that they aren’t there.

I see people all over that don’t think twice when they squeeze into a shirt that shows all of their back fat and muffin top…..how?  I don’t understand how they can be okay with that, I just can’t….

The whole world (slight exaggeration) wants me to start dating….truth…..I am terrified that I will make another mistake. Add that to the fact that I hate the way I look….how do I learn to like someone when I don’t even like myself? Fear and bad body image…..I’m pretty sure that it equals lonely and bitter.

I know that this is a hormonal and irrational rant and any day now I can go back to lying to myself with positive affirmations…blah,blah,blah

Someone even called me a m.i.l.f. today, and I know that it is loosely meant as a compliment, but part of me is offended by it. It didn’t make me feel even slightly better.

So to all of the men out there…when your wife or girlfriend is tearing apart her closet and making you late for something, cut her some slack. It’s not easy to feel pretty……Zia

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Off My Game

I think that I am going to try this song on for a while……it has all of the aspects of a great theme song, and I definitely think I could focus on it and ignore surrounding negativity. Only time will tell. :)

Yesterday was so crazy that I really did sleep until 10am this morning and then I laid in bed over thinking everything for about an hour….I am way behind because of it. Well not really but it feels that way. I also missed breakfast club, I wouldn’t have slept that long if I didn’t need it…right?

I finally got Z caught up on her shots, it seemed like every Sunday the weather was bad or I was working at Pier 1. With the weather breaking and the ground thawing, I won’t worry as much when she digs up the next family of moles…..it’s not pretty.dirt 004

I tried a new soup suggestion (you know I can’t follow a recipe) from this book…035b5256bbaae3720c12202853925237

Minestrone verde was the name of the recipe, I changed it up and made it mine.  It’s different…not my usual, but I’m all about changing things up these days. I will have to see how the feedback is.

Yesterday the girl had to go to the university for a history project…..do you know how long it’s been since I have been there? Me either but it has been a really long time! One of the girls at work gave me perfect directions, I was lucky that someone offered to take her at the butt crack of dawn on a Saturday, I only had to pick her up. I did get up with her and I stayed up. The boy and I hit Sam’s and the grocery store before my hair appointment, we made great time.

Unfortunately my appointment was moved back 45 minutes. The last couple of times (every 4 weeks) that I went I ended up frustrated. The purple was blue, she left my head in the sink for a really long time while she cut a demons hair….I mean a really scary optician that I wished I never saw. There have been a lot of little things…am I being petty? I cram a ton of things into my weekend and throwing me off 45 minutes does make a difference. I have waited on a number of occasions while she has run to the bank, but this is the first time she had to pick up my hair color the day of my appointment.

We all went to see my nephews on the ice last night, they were so cute!  They went out after the first period of this minor league (is that what it’s called) game. The game was fun and the girl well she surprised me a little. The kids today and their trash talk…I’m just not used to that. I don’t have a competitive bone in my body so I just don’t get things like that. There were a couple fights and 1 player was even ejected from the game…that one was new for me. The drive home was tricky, the roads weren’t slippery yet, but the snow made it hard to see.  Snow….grrrr……I don’t want to talk about it!

I was so off my game this week, I ran out of laundry detergent and had to use the store bought I had left over from the laundromat. It’s made now, but I could just kick myself…I’m so easily distracted these days. I need to find a way to ground myself…..Zia

Ps. My homemade chalk board which is supposed to be used to write things that we are out of…….I use to occasionally write an inspirational quote. The girl wrote one this week….please ignore the spelling…and I usually clean it better before I write on it….WP_20140330_003

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Moody Girl

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This song that I pulled out of my eclectic mood archives, is how I feel at the moment. I know that it’s a combination of things, but mostly the moon is new this weekend and I am just a tide.

I spent most of my day irritated by such insignificant people, and most days I can block it out but I was cranky today so it was harder. I keep having these wild dreams and I keep waking up at dead time (3-3:30am). Clearly the Universe is trying to tell me something…I’m just not getting it. It is starting to take a toll on my waking hours and I don’t know how to fix it. A girl can only burn so much sage…..just sayin’.

The girl not only dusted the winter off of the ceiling fan in the kitchen but she also cleaned out the refrigerator. I was a very happy mom! She did this knowing that we were going to Kohl’s for their big bra sale. The girl hates to shop and hates to try things on even more…..she knew that she needed it…so not even a peep. Two Warner’s and a Bali later, with a $4.00 lotion ended up being $51.00 with my 2 coupons and I got $10.00 in Kohl’s cash back. I think that was pretty good if I do say so.

I hopefully will sleep tonight, tomorrow is Friday….I at least have that going for me……Zia

 

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Shenanigans!

Whenever somebody passes away, it is very sad, especially when they are young and it goes downhill so fast. I met CM and GB at the funeral home where we paid our respects.

Knowing CM the way I do I was prepared for her shenanigans…..dinner was in the crock pot for the kids. The minute we made it out of the door “can we go get a drink?”  So we went to see MO and I haven’t had a Washington Apple in a very long time….I think I’m over this drink. It was too sweet, maybe it’s because I have been trying to let go of sugar…

I miss CM everyday, it’s just not the same at work without her, and she misses knowing all of the scoops. I try and stay out of all of that stuff, but I gave it my best shot and gave her a recap.

She is always asking everybody “isn’t she beautiful” I swear she would throw me to the wolves if it meant I would come back with a man. Her heart is in the right place…. I know she can’t help herself …..she just cracks me up sometime. Full of shenanigans, that’s what she is…..Zia

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What a World, What a World!!

Well….I’m not even sure where to begin, but what a day! I hardly slept last night, which always makes for a rough day, so there was that.

When I first walked into work Bad Personal Hygiene Girl grabbed me before I even had my coat off. She couldn’t wait to tell me how she saw Cockroach and his mom at a wedding over the weekend. Then she proceeded to tell me how horrible his mom looked and that she has aged fifteen years in the past few years and that she should probably stay away from tanning beds.

What I actually said, “Oh …really” and I walked away very calmly. I was really pissed off! What I wanted to say “why are you telling me this you know that I don’t give a rats ass!?” Followed by “Of course she looks like shit she has the Cockroach sucking the life right out of her!” This girl really has no social skills whatsoever!!!

I had a friend text me yesterday that she had a dream that I was pregnant Saturday night. One of the girls that I work with said she had a dream Saturday night that I was beating the crap out of the Cockroach with my bare hands until he was near death, She said she kept trying to pull me off of him saying “stop or you will go to jail!”

Why are people dreaming about me? It’s a little unsettling…..

I received a dreaded text message from BM, I thought she finally figured it out…..and I am just gonna say I hope that no one would look at their phone and say “oh no, do I really have to call her ” when I call them. I called though, and her mom is getting pretty bad…close to the end bad…..and she isn’t going to go see her before she goes…..I will not judge,I will not judge,I will not judge……it’s her life and if she is okay with that….I will not judge,I will not judge….but it’s a tough one. It was only a ten minute call but it was long enough for her to blast CR her only friend who is bossy and was telling her what she “had “to do….yeah sorry I have to go let the dogs out so they can uncross their paws.

My laugh out loud part of the day happened after work and before yoga when I checked my email. Well it’s official I am now really old because apparently I have been out of high school for 25yrs…yikes! So the details about the event were in the email, I was never a fan of high school so I have never gone….to any of the reunions. There was a list of the classmates that were MIA…..I was on it……but clearly they have my email….how exactly does that work? It just struck me as funny.

I don’t care who got fat or bald or more fake…..if you were my friend then…..you are still my friend now. I guess I am just more selective than most. I just don’t have any interest in that.

I survived my whirlwind emotional Monday….it was a tough one……Zia

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